Joke Of The Day

[KEN 24T]

Q. If a homosexual male couple are making love and their flat catches on fire ... who gets out first?

A. The one on the bottom, cause he's already got his sh*t packed! :banghead:

[CHIPS]

Q. If a homosexual male couple are making love and their flat catches on fire ... who gets out first?

A. The one on the bottom, cause he's already got his sh*t packed! :o

.........Fantastic Ken.......

[Falchoon]

That joke's older than you Ken!

[KEN 24T]

That joke's older than you Ken!

Yeh, I know ... but that's the thing with a ageing population ... there's always someone who hasn't heard your old (and only) jokes. :lol:

[Guest wrxboy]

For the Murray Walker fans out there.......

"Unless I'm very much mistaken ... yes, I AM very much mistaken."

"The lead car is absolutely unique - except for the car behind which is identical."

"There's nothing wrong with the car except that it's on fire."

"With the race half gone there is half the race still to go."

"I imagine the conditions in those cars are totally unimaginable."

"The atmosphere is so tense you could cut it with a cricket stump."

"Prost can see Mansell in his earphones."

"Either that car is stationary or it is on the move."

"And now excuse me while I interrupt myself."

"And now the boot is on the other Schumacher."

"Do my eyes deceive me or is Senna's car sounding a bit rough?"

"Damon Hill is leading ... behind him are the second and third men."

"Tambay's hopes, which were previously nil, are now absolutely zero."

"I've just stopped my startwatch."

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite"

"That was exactly the same place where Senna overtook Nannini that he didn't overtake Alain Prost."

"A mediocre season for Nelson Piquet, as he is now known, and always has been."

"There's only a second between them. One. That's how long a second is."

"He's obviously gone in for a wheel change. I say obviously because I can't see it"

"Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough ?"

"Alboreto has dropped back up to fifth place"

"As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboreto is 5th"

"I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem"

"He is shedding buckets of adrenalin in that car"

"It's raining and the track is wet"

Murray: There's a fiery glow coming from the back of the Ferrari James: No Murray, that's his rear safety light

"...Cruel luck for Alesi, second on the grid. That's the first time he had started from the front row in a Grand Prix, having done so in Canada earlier this year..."

"The Jordan factory is at the factory gates"

"...and there's no damage to the car.....except to the car itself."

"The beak of Ayrton Senna's chicken is pulling ahead"

"and I interrupt myself to bring you this...."

"This is an interesting circuit because it has inclines, and not just up, but down as well."

"Only a few more laps to go and then the action will begin, unless this is the action, which it is."

"...the lead is now 6.9 seconds. In fact it's just under 7 seconds"

"You can't see a digital clock because there isn't one."

"...but Here is Now and There is Damon Hill..."

"...and the Peugeot cup of misery is filled past overflowing..."

"Schumacher is still the fastest man on the track, not only by virtue of the fact that he leads the Australian Grand Prix, but he also holds the fastest lap"

Murray: "And there are flames coming from the back of Prost's car as he

enters the swimming pool." James: "Well, that should put them out then."

"...and he's lost both right front tyres"

"Alesi is in second place and Hill is in second place..."

"As you can see, visually, with your eyes..."

"Andrea de Cesaris...the man who has won more Grands Prix than anyone else without actually winning one of them."

"Oh that's the Forti, and, it looks like, err, its Roberto Moreno's car, the err Brazilian .. I was going to say the elderly Brazilian , he's only 36 but he's actually the oldest driver in the race at the present moment, though he's just retired from it!"

"....Schumacher crosses the line to start another lap, and there's nothing there!"

"Right underneath me, Michael Schumacher!"

"... this is the part of the circuit where the Williams tends to be, not tends to be is slower than the Benetton historically, today."

"The Benetton handling superbly as ever. Williams have worked very very hard on this car at the beginning of the season."

"And we have had 5 races so far this year, Brazil, Argentina, Imola,

Schumacher and Monacco!"

"And there's a dry line appearing in the tunnel [pause] Obvious really as it has a roof"

"...and now, just in case there is any CONFUSION this is the race order on lap 19: David Coulthard leads and has yet to stop; Hakkinen leads and has yet to stop..."

"Nigel Mansell - the man of the race - the man of the day - the man from the Isle of Man"

"An Achilles heel for the McLaren team this year, and it's literally the heel because it's the gearbox"

"The atmosphere is so tense you could cut it with a cricket stump"

"Now the Frenchman Jacques Lafitte is as close to Surer as Surer is to

Lafitte"

"Mansell is slowing it down, taking it easy. Oh no he isn't! It's a lap

record."

"It's not quite a curve, it's a straight actually."

"This race will actually develop into a Grand prix"

"..and Damon Hill is following Damon Hill"

"Schumacher has made his final stop three times!"

"And that just shows you how important the car is in Formula One racing"

"And he's done that in a whisker under 10 seconds, call it 9.7 in round

figures".

"Into lap 53, the penultimate last lap but one"

"Nigel Mansell is the last person in the race apart from the five in front of him."

"There goes Panis in the Prost. For years we knew them as Ligiers, because that is what they were called."

"And I usually say that if anything is going to go wrong with the car, it has done by now, but I'm not going to say that about Jacques Villeneuve.... Oh, I already have."

"Rally points scoring is 20 for the fastest, 18 for the second fastest,

right down to 6 points for the slowest fastest."

"He will not produce a winner, but if he can produce second, it will be the next best thing."

"And Panis is almost literally laughing his head of in that car."

"I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong"

[Falchoon]

:D

[geea]

CLICK HERE

I think you'd need more than a helmet.

[XRSICKT]

CLICK HERE

I think you'd need more than a helmet.

:blackeye:

What the hell just fell on the car?

[Dagabond]

QUOTES FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS & THE TUBE

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey

about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North Westgas

said. "We agree it was rather high for the time of year.

It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas

used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting

had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why,

she said it was because she was missing her Italian

boyfriend.

(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a

stolen van because they cannot issue a description.

It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the

public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of

inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable

lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented. "This

sort of thing is all too common".

(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a

coast-guard on the spot and asked him to estimate the

windspeed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have

a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just

blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted

the audience with her reminiscence of the German

prisoner of war, who was sent each week do her garden.

He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she

recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap,

but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our

lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler."

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

--------------------------------------------------------

The following are a list of actual announcements that

London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to

your service. I know you're all dying to get home,

unless, of course, you happen to be married to my

ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to

the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller

suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow

from his backside. I'll let you know any further

information, as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news?

The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and

I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is

that there is a points failure somewhere between

Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably

won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but

there is a security alert at Victoria Station and we

are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future,

so let's take our minds off it and pass some time

together. All together now....

'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you

can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice

if they had actually told me, so I could tell you

earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line,

the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step

right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman...

unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (pause)...

"Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see

if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please, allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse

this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are

distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the

doors, means that the doors are about to close. It does

not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no

smoking allowed on any part of the Underground.

However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair

that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

[ducatijb]

Subject: An Englishman, an Irishman....

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. Good God!! why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any". The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear"

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman!! You've no knickers ---- why not?" She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me" He reaches into his pocket and says,"For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Hoot, Lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?" She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any"

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's a COMB, tidy yourself up a bit!"