Joke Of The Day

[KEN 24T]

Really?

HEY! Don't look at me like that! :o

I didn't do it ... :o

[XRSICKT]

Boys Boys, come on,it was me who did it.

I guess this means its time to replace it now

[aniken]

I know that this has been done before , but we have sooo many new members now:

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five kilometres to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way I was going to lay a load of rubbish like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But....

Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today, you just don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet--we wanted to know something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter--with a pen!-- and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the goddamned record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up! You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" ! Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy sh*t like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theatre there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!

And sure, we had television, but back then that was only like 5channels and there was no onscreen menu like on cable today! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... ...D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little brats! That's exactly what I'm talking about!

You kids today have got it too easy You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!

[aniken]

Feel like a change?

[aniken]

Element: WOMAN

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: 120 +/-

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

[aniken]

Element: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: 180 +/- 100

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempt to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

[Falchoon]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class

section of the plane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then

shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his

reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped

her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more

and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she

took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man

couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "You've

sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered

violently! Are you all right?"

I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition,

when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've

never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper".

[Falchoon]

Who Is God?

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."

This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well,God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God g*y or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both g*y and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mum, is God Michael Jackson?"

[DavoWA]

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to

arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said

"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're

closest".

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I

said "Did you get my drift?".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a

fast one".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He

said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack

myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was

Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red

rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked

for a-ROMATIC duck".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic

converter.

So I rang up Telstra, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",

he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there

was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a

condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,

even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's

bisatchel.

So I was in BiLo and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I

said "Are you two an item?".

So a truck-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I

thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want

your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't

start anything"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in

here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "a schooner

please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the

bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel at Christmas and were standing in the

lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,

the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"

they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts

boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten

different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a

family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,

they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his

mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she

also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If

you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

As a young boy, Paul was completely obsessed with tractors. He had

pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to thefactory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Paul was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Paul's leg and fracturing his skull.

He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence.

But the company would have none of it and told there was no liability and He could get lost!

You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters

came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Paul went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Paul asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that, Paul looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke.

He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out

again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet

and sits down next to the girl. "That was amazing!" she said, "How did

you do that?"

"No problem", said Paul,.................(scroll down)

This one is worth waiting

for....................................

"I'm an ex-tractor fan"

[Falchoon]

:lol: