Joke Of The Day

[DallasQLD]

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,

some good food and companionship.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds.

Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker

Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!".

So I bought her an electric chair.

Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"....

I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.

Then God created man and rested.

Then God created woman.

Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to'.

[JJ_Phantom]

In the spirit of the Rugby World Cup......

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice".

The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer throw his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either".

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws

his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African

and the Kiwi. He says "In Australia we have so many f&*^#! South

Africans and Kiwi's that we don't need to drink with the same ones

twice"

[KEN 24T]

@DallasQLD ... can't wait to show these to SWMBO!

[Falchoon]

Norm from Cheers - some of his best:

"What's new, Normie?"

"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're

demanding beer."

===========

"What'd you like, Normie?"

"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

===========

"What'll you have, Normie?"

"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of

whatever comes out of the tap."

"Looks like beer, Norm."

"Call me Mister Lucky."

===========

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"

"Like a baby treats a diaper."

===========

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."

"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

===========

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"

"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

===========

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"

"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

===========

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"

"Poor."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"No, I mean pour."

===========

"How's life treating you, Norm?"

"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

===========

"Women. Can't live with 'em...pass the beer nuts."

===========

"What's going down, Normie?"

"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

===========

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"

"Alright, but stop me at one...make that one-thirty."

===========

"What's the story, Norm?"

"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

===========

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"

"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"

"For a beer?"

"No, for stupid questions."

===========

"What's shaking, Norm?"

"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

[Falchoon]

A TEST OF YOUR MORALITY AND ETHICS

With all your honor and dignity -what would you do?

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please

don't

answer it without giving it some serious thinking... By giving an

honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you

will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your

answer

needs to be honest, but yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down s l o w ly -this is important for the test to work

correctly.

You're in Florida...

In Miami, to be exact...

There is a huge chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and all

the floodings...

There are huge masses of water all over you....

You are a CNN photographer....

...and you are in the middle of this great disaster .....

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot very impressive photos...

There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the

water

masses...

The nature is showing all its destroying power...

.... and is ripping everything away with it...

Suddenly you see a man, steering a big van...

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses

of water and mud...

You move closer...

Somehow the man looks familiar and important...

Suddenly you know who it is -it's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him

away, forever...

You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of

your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot

a Pulitzer prize winning photo...

A photo displaying the death of a very powerful man...

And here's the question: (Please give an honest answer)

Will you make the photo black and white, or color?

[Dagabond]

I think we've done this one before......... Cant tell anymore theres that goddam many of em.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was *beep* and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the *beep* guy, figuring it would be safer to have him Around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch as doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her

eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told

and dropped it to the floor.

Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly

pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

[XRSICKT]

[HellionXR6T]

Hmmm, that's wrong..... :o

[KEN 24T]

Hmmm, that's wrong..... :o

That's probably how she got like that in the first place. :o

[HellionXR6T]

Really?