Joke Of The Day

[Turbo6man]

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

Yes, but DO NOT DARE to go to sleep! ... the carving knife in your wife's hand may remove those BALLS in an instant! Remember John er whatsisname?

[Iconic Bionic]

>>

>>Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,

>>but she belonged to someone else...

>>

>>

>>One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to

>>her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me

>>screw you. But the girl said NO.

>>

>>

>>Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on

>>the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the

>>time you pick it up. "

>>

>>

>>She thought for a moment and said that she would have

>>to consult her boyfriend... So she called her

>>boyfriend and told him the story.

>>

>>

>>Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the

>>money very fast, he won't even be able to get his

>>pants down."

>>

>>

>>So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour

>>goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his

>>girlfriend to call.

>>

>>

>>Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and

>>asks what happened.

>>

>>

>>She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal

>>in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting

>>screwed!

>>

[EvilDaifu]

Well sort of amusing. See if you can spot your Tier 3 Internet provider

The_Internet.pdf

[stang]

Well sort of amusing. See if you can spot your Tier 3 Internet provider

evil this one lost on me please explain.

[turbotom]

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

[EvilDaifu]

Sorry if you have seen this one before - can't be bothered wading through 187 screens of previous jokes

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender,"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,

"Nah, ......................................................

Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[EvilDaifu]

Sorry if you have seen this one before - can't be bothered wading through 187 screens of previous jokes

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender,"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,

"Nah, ......................................................

Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Vic-XRT]

Some of these made me laugh!

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died.'"

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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'"

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So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

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"So I rang up a local building firm,

I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5

people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he

said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road.

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.

And the dentist said to me

Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give

me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and

the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice."

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A man walked into the doctors,

The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "

The man replied, "I know I've been ill"

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A man walked into the doctors,

he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.

It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one

of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all

that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered

with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small

two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and

expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

[SHOWDOWN]

Whats the worst thing you can do to a man that steals you woman away from you????

[SHOWDOWN]

.............. You let him keep her

Edited 22/08/07 10:31 AM by mytxr6