Joke Of The Day

[richdave]

A husband cuddles up to his wife and says, "Want a quickie?" The wife replies, "As opposed to what?"

Women just don't realise that men are naturally good at time management :lol:

[richdave]

The wife replies

"I did, they were in your tackle box."

ROFL......busted :lol: :lol:

[aniken]

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At  death's door,

they see a tree in the distance. As they  get nearer, they see that it's

draped with rasher upon  rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon,

life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're  saved!!"

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree.  As he gets to within five

feet, he's gunned down in a  hail of bullets. His friend drops down on the

sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?" With his last breath Pepe calls  out,

(wait for it)

"Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree, ees a  ham bush"

Sorry about that!

[DallasQLD]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[XRSICKT]

The wife replies

  "I did, they were in your tackle box."

ROFL......busted :lol: :lol:

:lol: The boss vould have been a lady and used her tackle box all weekend

[JJ_Phantom]

Rules of Manhood:

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

c. After wrecking your boss' car.

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e. When she is using her teeth

Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and

eaten by his mates.

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of

jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits

forever, unless you actually marry her.

Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.

Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the

weakest.

When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask

the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to

climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of

flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're

sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless

supermodel...and it's free.

Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to

kick another bloke in the nuts.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies

until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink

as much as the other sports watchers.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain

sober enough to fight.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,

but not both - that's just mean.

If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about

his choice of beer.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except

if she's withholding sex pending your response.

Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:

Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an

almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than

you are able to have sex with her.

Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have

carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty

is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big

mistake it was.

It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her

to drive yours.

Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,

orange or sky blue.

The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"

with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox.

End of story.

[cvanxr]

Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,

orange or sky blue.

I thought the colour war was over :lol:

[JJ_Phantom]

oops - sorry....

How about - Thou shall not buy a car with any less than 6 cylinders.

[turbotom]

Toast of the night!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of

me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home

and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street

corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the top prize the

other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

[KEN 24T]

A husband cuddles up to his wife and says, "Want a quickie?" The wife replies, "As opposed to what?"

Women just don't realise that men are naturally good at time management :lol:

It's all about efficiency ... women are such time wasters. :lol: