Joke Of The Day

[KEN 24T]

How many have you knocked off recently?

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty ... :lol:

... never was much of a cat person! B)

[ducatijb]

HOW TO POO AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left yourpants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check

for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is

uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This

is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water.

This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone

walks in and busts you. As with farts,it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER

A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often

see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper

or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing

goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the

whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can

least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to

force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs,

remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will

avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that

you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to

alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that

you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall

is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately

so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON

A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.

This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming

on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE

A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the

toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend

extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.

Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you

should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

[DallasQLD]

A woman was in her bedroom looking at herself in the mirror.Her husband walked in and she let out a big sigh ' I wish I had got a bigger bust' she said.

'Why don't you try rubbing a piece of paper up and down your cleavage'he suggested.

'Oh' she said'do you think that would work?

He said'Well it has with your ass.'

[ducatijb]

Aussie Poetry Contest!

The finals of the Australian poetry contest last year came down to 2

finalists. One was a Melbourne University Law School graduate from an

upper-crust family. He was well bred and well connected. The other finalist

was a Bogan from Broadmeadows TAFE.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem

in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word 'Timbuktu'.

The Melbourne uni grad went first. About 30 seconds after the clock started

he jumped up and recited the following:

"Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked the dusty caravan

Men on camels, two by two

Destination - Timbuktu."

The audience went wild.

How, they wondered, could the Broadmeadows Bogan top that? The clock

started again and the second contestant sat in silent thought.

Finally in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.

Met three sluts in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

He Won...

[ducatijb]

>> >After the woman gave birth to a baby, her doctor stood solemnly

at her bedside.

>> >

>> >"I have something I must tell you about your baby."

>> >

>> >"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.

>> >

>> >"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

>> >

>> >"What's that?"

>> >

>> >"It means your baby has both male and female parts."

>> >

>> >"Oh my God!" the woman exclaimed.

>> >

>> >"You mean she has a *beep* and a brain?"

>>

[Cro]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.

His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

[Turbo6man]

An Englishman, a Frenchman and Elle are sitting in a train carriage together travelling through Europe.

The train enters a tunnel and the carriage goes completely dark. There is a kissing noise, and then the sound of a slap, a really large slap.

When the train exits the tunnel, Elle and the Englishman are sitting as if nothing had happened, but the Frenchman is nursing his stinging face.

The Frenchman is thinking, " That English chap must have kissed Elle and she swung at him but missed and hit me"

Elle is thinking, "That French guy must have tried to kiss me but got the Englishman instead and got a slap in the face for his trouble."

And the Englishman is thinking, "This is great, the next tunnel comes up and I'll make that kissing noise again and give the froggie another smack in the face."

[XRSICKT]

WORDS WOMEN USE

> > >

> > >This message is meant to improve your knowledge of English used by

women.

> > >

> > >WORDS WOMEN USE

> > >

> > >FINE

> > >

> > >This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are

> right

> > >and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman

looks -

> > >this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

> > >

> > >FIVE MINUTES

> > >

> > >This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your

> > >football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's

an

> > >even trade.

> > >

> > >NOTHING

> > >

> > >This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is

> > >usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn

you

> > >inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an

> > >argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

> > >

> > >GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )

> > >

> > >This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over

> > >"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

> > >

> > >GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

> > >

> > >This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You

> will

> > >get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by

> > >"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes"

> when

> > >she cools off.

> > >

> > >LOUD SIGH

> > >

> > >This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often

> > >misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot

at

> > >that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and

> > >arguing with you over "Nothing"

> > >

> > >

> > >SOFT SIGH

> > >

> > >Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that

she

> > >is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay

> > >content.

> > >

> > >

> > >THAT'S OKAY

> > >

> > >This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a

> > >man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before

> > >paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is

> > >often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised

> Eyebrow."

> > >

> > >

> > >GO AHEAD!

> > >

> > >At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty

big

> > >trouble.

> > >

> > >PLEASE DO

> > >

> > >This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the

chance

> > >to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever

it

> is

> > >that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be

careful

> > >and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

> > >

> > >THANKS

> > >

> > >A woman is thanking you. Do not! faint. Just say you're welcome.

> > >

> > >THANKS A LOT

> > >

> > >This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot"

> when

> > >she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended

her

> in

> > >some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful

not

> > >to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you

> > >"Nothing"

> > >

> > >Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they

> can

> > >avoid if they remember the terminology!

> > >And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!

[Falchoon]

I don't want to see this number plate on a T...

[Redhawk]

Have a go at this poor sod........

Wonder who he pi$$ed off :D