Joke Of The Day

[ducatijb]

> Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math. His parents tried

> everything...tutors, flash cards, special learning centres... In

> short, everything they could think of to improve Tommy's grades just

> wasn't working. As a last ditch effort, they enrolled Tommy in the

> local Catholic School. After Tommy's first day at the new school, he

> came home with a very

serious

> look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello, but walked

> straight to his room and started studying. Books and paper were soon

spread

> out all over the room with Tommy hard at work. His mother was amazed.

> She called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was

> done, he marched right back to his room without a word and started

> hitting the

books

> as hard as before. This went on day after day while his mother tried

> to understand what was making the difference. Finally, little Tommy

> brought home his report card. He placed it quietly on the table and

> walked

directly

> to his room to hit the books again. With great curiosity, Tommy's mom

opened

> the report card and to her delight, little Tommy got an A+ in math!

> She

had

> to know why the Catholic School had made such a difference, so she

> went to Tommy's room.

>

> "So, what was it? Was it the nuns?", she asked. Little Tommy kept his

> eyes on the ground and shook his head, "No".

>

> "Was it the books... the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?"

> Little Tommy again shook his head, "No". "Then what was it?"

> Little Tommy looked at her, with a fearful expression on his face, and

> finally answered, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that

guy

> nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fu**ing around".

[Dagabond]

Hogwart Protection:

[aniken]

When I was 14, all I wanted was a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I dated a girl, but there was no passion. So I decided needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, and she cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with big t!ts.

[aniken]

> An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

> In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

> He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

> With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

> Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

> Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

> The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

>

>

>

>

> "phuck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

[aniken]

The Sh!t List

THE GHOST SH!T

The kind where you feel sh!t come out, see sh!t on the toilet paper, but here's no sh!t in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SH!T

The kind where you feel sh!t come out, see sh!t in the bowl, but there's no sh!t on the toilet paper.

THE WET SH!T

You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE SH!T

This sh!t happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realise you have to sh!t some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SH!T

Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Sh!t". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE NORORIUS DRINKER SH!T

The kind of sh!t you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SH!T" SH!T

The kind where you want to sh!t, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS SH!T

Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID SH!T

That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SH!T

A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER

This sh!t is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER

This sh!t occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL

This sh!t occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SH!T

A sh!t so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK

This sh!t has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER"

This is any sh!t created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER

A sh!t so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER

Characterised by its floatability, this sh!t has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER

A sh!t which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SH!T

This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SH!T

Now you see it, now you don't. This sh!t is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL

A sh!t that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to sh!t (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near sh!tting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER

A long skinny sh!t which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC SH!T

This sh!t occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered, and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Sh!t.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SH!T

This sh!t may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SH!T

An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T sh!t.

PREMEDITATED SH!T

Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

sh*tZOPHERENIA

Fear of sh!tting - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SH!T

Also known as a "Still Going" sh!t.

THE POWER DUMP SH!T

The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SH!T

This kind of sh!t is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor.

THE SPINAL TAP SH!T

The kind of sh!t that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY as*hole" SH!T

Similar to the Spinal Tap Sh!t. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SH!T

The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (B) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SH!T

When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SH!T

When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SH!T

Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SH!T

Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop

[Mitchy_G]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

GOLD......ABSOLUTE GOLD............LOL

[KEN 24T]

You've done it again, Ani ... :lol:

That's some funny sh*t!

[aniken]

You've done it again, Ani ... :lol:

That's some funny sh*t!

You can't go wrong with toilet humour around here

[KEN 24T]

You've done it again, Ani ...  :lol:

That's some funny sh*t!

You can't go wrong with toilet humour around here

I'd be the last on to poo-poo that idea. :lol:

[aniken]

>There was this guy named Billy sitting in the local bar, drinking

>more than just a few scotch and waters one night. Around two o'clock

>in the morning, one last round was offered. Though he knew he

>shouldn't, he took another drink. Anyway, after the final round,

>he got up from his seat and immediately dropped to the floor.

>

>Of course, that was not at all what he had expected. I mean, he knew

>that he'd had quite a few, but WOW!

>

>Billy KEPT trying to get up, and KEPT falling down again and again.

>After a half dozen attempts, he finally gave up and decided to CRAWL

>home. At the door of his house he just assumed it would be better not

>to stand up, since he would almost certainly fall over again and wake

>his wife. So he crawled quietly to his bed and slipped under the

>covers next to his wife without her ever waking.

>

>The next morning his wife spoke to him furiously.

>

>"Were you drunk again last night?," the wife asked.

>

>Billy was surprised that he was caught after being so stealthy, and

>asked her how she knew.

>

>"Well," she said, "they just called from the bar. You forgot your

>wheelchair!"