Joke Of The Day

[ZAP]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is

moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down

his window and asks, "What's going on?".

"Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard, Peter Costello, and Kim

Beazley. They're asking for a $300 million ransom. Otherwise

they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're

going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."

[ZAP]

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a

haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk

clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid

not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall

from your room is a vending machine that should serve your

purposes."

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted

$15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the

machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the

salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which

reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,

'Manicures, $20.00.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the

money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to

buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and

they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a

Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents. The salesman

looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly,

and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony

and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With

trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender

unit... which now had a button sewed on the end.

[ZAP]

Rural Australian terminology

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A bar snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

[phantomchic]

One for the boys!!!

Venus & Mars

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ

so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I

have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their

heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting

into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't

feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was

that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to

hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman

enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded

to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and

not what I do for you in the bedroom? "

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time

with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big

unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on

several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which

one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to

compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each

outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of

diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I

was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing

me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know

how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's

fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the

excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think

this is all dear, let's go to the cashier. "I could hardly contain myself

when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it. "Her face just went

completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to

satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had

this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love

me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

…Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

shazzy

[jEtONiT]

good one shaz!

[phantomchic]

good one shaz!

←

thought that would make on of you fellas smile

shazzy

[Turbo6man]

World Cup Final

A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty." This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1966 in London."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

[BFHOON]

zap u kill me aussie slang I havnt laughed that hard in ages

[Chooka]

The Men's Names

Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff.

Able - totally useless.

Adam - not very bright and not very pretty, has almost mastered hygiene.

Adrian - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.

Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women.

Alex - cute and tall but a liar and a cheat.

Alistair - likes being tied up, and really enjoys playing with train sets

Amir - dirty, smelly, pecker is minuscule. Bad diet.

Andrew - Highly intelligent and wears a kilt. Poor standards of hygiene. Homicidal tendencies.

Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain. Looks in the mirror too much.

Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of wee.

Arnold - loser.

Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.

Avenir - reads too many fantasy books, wears armour to bed.

Baron - Reads SAS books, wants to go out and shoot something or somebody.

Barry - lights fires, pinches girl’s bottoms and is well hung.

Barnaby - very big, very strong and very gentle, cries a lot.

Ben - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games.

Bill - thinks he's really popular, thinks all the girls want him ...he's wrong.

Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.

Brad - short and squat, has bad breath.

Braden - Drop out and doesn't care, will set record for longest employee at McDonalds.

Brandon - good looking but uses girls. Not very academic.

Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.

Brett - worldwide *beep* and really insensitive, women love him.

Brian - mean and only thinks of himself, he's just a very naughty boy.

Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell.

Bronsen - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name.

Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.

Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week.

Callum - tall and geeky, very defensive.

Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.

Cameron - Australian. Big muscles.

Carl - horny. bas*ard, who can't sing.

Carlo - dark and brooding, for some unknown reason girls seem to like him!

Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.

Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies, no real person has that name.

Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together.

Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too.

Christian - Gay but very sexy and seductive.

Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.

Cliff - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial.

Clive - trainspotter ... dull as ditchwater.

Cole - nice, funny, and very stupid.

Colin - lies to women and blows up public buildings.

Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.

Craig - tries to fit in - he never does.

Crispin - Ugly homosexual. Fancies himself. Successful

Curtis - needs constant mothering and reassurance.

Damien - spawn of the devil, but in a good way.

Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.

Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics.

Danny - Wears stylish clothes and has silky womens underwear beneath them.

Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.

Daniel - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice.

Darren - charming , but sleeps with men.

Darwyn - exercises too much, favourite word Ug Daryl - pompous and

overbearing, likes using big words that only he understands.

David - Sensible and works out a lot, loves girls named Florence.

Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter I.e. a wa*ker.

Dean - full of himself and thinks with his dick.

Dele - well endowed likes blondes. Looks in the mirror too much

Dennis - either very nice to girls or a *beep*.

Derek - has a great sense of humour, and a blow-up doll collection.

Dillon - Stupid but well-built, women just use him for sex.

Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please anybody.

Don - dickhead, nobody likes him.

Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts.

Drew - bad-arse loser who never shuts up.

Duncan - hopeless ski bum, brains shot away long ago.

Dylan - thinks he's funny, falls asleep during sex.

Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.

Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get cos he's an ars*h*le.

Elis - would rather make model airoplanes than have sex.

Elliott - full of himself.

Eric - shy and timid like a little mouse.

Evan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and a model mental patient.

Finn - Completely indecisive, suffers terribly with Catholic guilt.

Frank - single helix DNA and it shows.

Fraser - sucks cops dicks & swallows the lot.

Frederick/Fred/Freddie - wants to rule the world. Loves women

Fritz - Loves playing games. Never wins.

Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight. Can't play rugby.

Gary - drug addict but willing to share.

Garry - forever fiddling with himself and wonders why no-one will shake hands.

Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men.

Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.

George - barman who drinks more than he serves.

Gerry - quiet and insecure, a doormat.

Gilbert - Morris dancer, collects antique sweet wrappers.

Glen - the sweetest guy - really down to earth. good teacher. crap in bed.

Gordon - big bloke in a dirty raincoat, kinda flashy.

Greame - very hard to understand, likes group sex.

Graham - will screw anything.

Grahame - thinks he's better than other Grahams because he has an extra 'e'.

Grant - Short and ugly! but so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.

Greg - really sweet and feels suicidally sorry for himself.

Harry - Good at sport. Women love him. Blokes hate him.

Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs.

Haydn - tries hard, succeds rarely.

Heinz - Likes variety in his life. in his fifties. Overweight.

Henry - dull, dull, dull, dull ... likes trains and tweed jackets, probably a science teacher.

Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography.

Howell - sings too much.

Ian - likes to stuff animals and dress up in women's clothing.

Ivor - militant psychopath with homosexual tendencies.

Izzy - circumsized, but they threw away the wrong bit.

Jake - shy and sweet but a *beep* when drunk.

Jamie - Devious scum of the earth.

James - can't handle his beer, smells of mayonaise and does wet farts.

Jarrod - Arrogant, stuck-up, pompous and annoying. Loves himself totally

and has lots of mirrors.

Jason - Gayer than a pink fairy winning a trophy at the gayest pink fairy competition.

Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well. which is a problem because

he has bad breath.

Jeff - really ugly.

Jerome - gay, but very unhappy.

Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.

Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on.

Jack - stupid but hot, always alright.

Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection but wanks too much.

Jimmy - Goes to the toilet twice a night, doesn't always get up for it.

Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head. Bisexual

Joel - arse.

John - has few friends and no life - tends to kill small animals.

Jon - Not too bright will end up married to a cousin.

Jolyon - absolute raving homosexual.

Jonathon - think he's good - he's sh*t. Looks in the mirrror too much.

Jordan - sexy but weird in bed. Hung like a wildebeest.

Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.

Josh - full of himself, fun.

Julian - used to be a wooden boy, but is now almost real with a big nose.

Junior - Not very clever, but good at football.

Justin - aggravating but lovable, insecure but successful and overweight.

Kain - one of the sexiest guys alive but very stuck up.

Keegan - always has a bit of his last meal displayed on his clothes.

Kev - lager lout, wears cheap and loud clothes.

Kevin - always attracts really fit girlfriends and then loses them when they see his dick!

Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse.

Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be.

Kerry - wants to be in a boy band but he's not pretty enough.

Kirk - good looking, worries that he might be gay.

Kurt - can kick anyone's arse.

Kyle - hornball who eats too many cornchips.

Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse.

Laurey - short and funny looking.

Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit.

Levi - same as Lee only not so pretty.

Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser. Welsh

Liam - loud mouthed ars*h*le.

Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold.

Lucas - fat loser that dates other men.

Luke - seems to be sweet.

Madison - so far up his own arse there's no room for his boyfriend.

Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers. And is gay!!!

Mark - Good looking and very clever. Every woman would if she could.

Marshall - Never seems to age, this is because he is in fact an anderoid!

Martin - Stud. Loves himself. would make a good lawyer.

Matt - the fat boy of the class, likes sweets and is full of sh*t.

Matty - Life and soul of the party, could get a corpse dancing.

Menno - built like a horse. Only does it doggy.

Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl. Doesn't like

to work too hard. Sexual deviant

Mick - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse.

Mintesh - boy racer, the ars*h*le who drives with the stereo too loud and

the windows down even though it's cold!

Mitchell - big bloke, sweats a lot, usually pure alcohol.

Mohammed - small pen*s, but still really enjoys playing with it.

Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb.

Nick - inbred - can't get past the missionary position though.

Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed but

only on his own.

Noel - only goes out with girls so that he can steal their clothes.

Oliver - likes men but is in denial.

Oscar - complete loser, hated by his parents.

Owen - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.

Patrick - drunk, drunk, drunk.

Paul - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in gays.

Peter - Likes sheep more than girls, will probably end up married to a relative.

Phillip - homophobic, image conscious *beep*, likes to f*ck poodles.

Ramsey - thinks he's posh but is actually a knob.

Raymond - doesn't like to be called Ray because it sounds too 'straight'.

Richard - can't see his feet as balls are too big

Ricky - ugly sh*thead who everybody hates.

Rikki - see above, but can't even spell.

Rob - constantly watches porn.

Robin - Ugly and not very bright, probably a teacher.

Roger - acts like a wa*ker when drunk ... Permanently drunk!

Rory - men are only nice to him so they can talk to his sister.

Roy - total loser and computer genius.

Rupert - arrogant *beep* who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud.

Russell - likes to play in the leaves which makes him an ars*h*le. Pantomime dame

Ryan - short and stout, but popular.

Sam - wannabe sex machine.

Sandeep - complete anorak, owns a metal detector.

Sean - thinks he's James Bond, in reality a dipstick.

Scott - has serious disabilities. likes winter sports

Sean - has small deformed *beep* and no friends.

Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor.

Shane - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.

Shannon - like the, river wet and full of sh*t.

Shaun - bit of a hard bas*ard, thinks women love him.

Simon - likes a night out with the lads and curries. Talks bollocks.

Sonny - thinks he's tough and proves it with young girls and boys.

Spencer - thinks everybody wants to shag him - he's a virgin

Steve - popular and funny when looked at side-on.

Stuart - loves it right up there, normally with a toilet roll and a hamster

Taylor - Gay, gay, gay, gay ....

Terry - small and wirey with a nasty temper.

Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is.

Toby - best blow ever.

Tom - cool but can be very arrogant.

Tomas - part-druid, likes to dance round things naked.

Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around. tendency to megalomania

Travis - fat and horny with the best XXX collection to be found.

Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy.

Troy - cute and popular.

Tyrone - Big bloke with a gay moustache, but nobody dares tell him.

Ty - small and kind of shrivelled.

Var - adventurous type, can't sit quietly and so is very annoying.

Wade - huge bloke, people jog round him and have to stop halfway for a rest.

Walter - Rich, but with no taste in anything, so the money is a bit of a waste.

Wasim - Good at sport. Likes bondage. Intelligent.

Warren - cool, homosexual guy. Picks his nose alot.

Wesley - great guy and easy to not notice.

Will - wishes he were popular.

William - not very tall, but ultra-cool.

Zach - sweet and polite and twisted.

Zahid - devious and sly. Not to be trusted.*

[Chooka]

The Women's Names

Abby - agony aunt, always willing to explain about your confused sexuallity.

Ada - blue haired, smells of wee.

Adie - quiet and shy, but when you get to know her .. quiet and shy.

Aileen - laughs like a demented dog. likes tic tacs.

Alana - pretty and popular, but with very dark secrets.

Alexandra - popular but very loud, sometimes forgets to bathe.

Alice - likes horses but looks like Kermit's girlfriend.

Alicia - pretty and knows it, watches herslf go by in shop windows.

Alison - bra and pants are the same garment, looks better with the light off.

Alyssa - wants to be 'exotic', but only manages to be 'strange'.

Amanda - I.Q. smaller than her bra size, a good shag, but she does practice a lot.

Amber - stereotypical exotic dancer, not too bright but very flexible.

Amy - Devious, Likes being on top, never stays the night - Not to be trusted. Likes any man not wearing trousers

Anastasia - overly-loud, wears clothes 2 sizes too small.

Andrea - Small breas*s, small arse, drinks pints and plays a mean game of pool.

Andrina - dark and sultry, pretends she's a Russian spy.

Angela - Vain, Hair style more important than oxygen. Usually found hanging around toilets.

Anita - Beautiful girl with perfect hair and a body to die for.

Annabelle - Doesn't wear knickers.

Annette - She's BIG, like really BIG!!.

Anne - Looks like a horse, can't drive.

Anne-Marie - Gorgeous and with a great taste in blokes, has perfectly

formed breas*s Annie - Drinks too much, always wakes up next to ugly guys.

Ashlee - Dyslexic and spends all day thinking about secs.

Aurora - Beautiful and sexy, every mans dream ,but sadly swings the other way.

Azaria - Beautiful and exotic with the brain power of an orchid.

Barbara - Shags like a rabbit, not fussy about appearance. Wears alot of make up

Bea - Beautiful, sexy, original, but nearly impossible to satisfy in bed.

Becky - one of the boys, knows about football and cars, unusually tall.

Belinda - Pleasing on the eye, usually has a couple of good points.

Beryl - Repressed alcoholic.

Beth - Empty headed, big breasted, and easy.

Bettina - Dominatrix.

Beverley - Trapped in an eighties timewarp.

Bianca - Ginger. big mouth.

Birgit - big scarey woman, likes small blokes she can intimidate.

Bridgette - Eats pizzas all day, smokes cigars.

Britney - Falsely improved, no use to society.

Cait - Bow-legged country girl, really loves her horses.

Camilla - replaces the word 'yes' with 'ya'.

Cara - lazy girl, eats too much junk-food and yet doesn't get fat - annoying.

Carie - just like the movie, a scary freak.

Carina - Looks like the back of a bus, doesn't swallow.

Carla - Down to earth with good child-bearing hips.

Carly - Party animal until she gets too drunk to stand up.

Carol - Bubbly, life and soul of the party and the bedroom.

Caroline - Lard arse, shaves her ears, picks her nose and shops at oxfam.

Catherine - Attracted to the older man, needs ironing.

Celine - Emits hideous noises, waste of DNA.

Charlotte - Enjoys tea and cake, farts the national anthem.

Chaz - life and soul of the party, plays the piano and then strips to her own music.

Cheryl - Can fit hand in mouth, eats glass.

Chloe - Usually a weather-girl or a failed wannabe weather-girl.

Christine - Likes men in uniform, never warm.

Christina - Drop dead gorgeous and with a different bloke each night, well practiced.

Ciji - strange girl, sleeps with a vibrating teddy-bear.

Claire/Clare/Clair - Usually neurotic, gives good head but can have *beep* tendencies.

Courtney - Bit of a 'tomboy', rolls her own tampons.

Daisy - Virgin, works on a farm because she likes the way the tractor vibrates.

Danni - Should make nice threesome with sibling.

Davina - drug induced mental damage, should shave her neck.

Dawn - Gets up early, smells of chips.

Debra/Debby - Porn star.

Deborah - Bites the pillow, uses both hands.

Dee - Enormous mouth, gets a lot of work in porn movies.

DeeDee - cannot understand why no-one else masturbates in Ikea.

Denise - Sits on cats eyes, wears too much make up.

Di - Enjoys receiving oral sex, but doesn't like giving it.

Diana - Cuddly, which is a shame because she smells like cheese.

Diane - Enjoys company of animals. Deep as a puddle.

Donna - 70's throw back, likes cabbage.

Dorthe - smells of herrings, obsessed with over-sized sex toys.

Elaine - Rides side saddle, drinks meths. average breas*s.. likes sharp edges.

Eleanor - Very posh, always washing her hands, but likes her sex dirty.

Elizabeth - Born to perform, hates chickens.

Ella - Fiery temper, but when she's not shouting she's as cute as a kitten.

Ellie - Far too attractive for the swear words that come out of her mouth.

Ellen - Could well have eaten all the pies.

Elma - Shy, easily dominated by men.

Elsa - Kind of old fashioned, but with beautiful big hair.

Emily - Wears odd socks, can have *beep* tendencies.

Emma - Gullible and easily swayed by a good looker!

Erminia - Small and graceful, slightly psychotic.

Estelle - Likes wombles, eats grass.

Esther - Plump with sagging breas*s, normally heavily tattooed.

Eve - Shy timid creature until she has a drink, then she becomes very loud.

Evonne - Much happier now that the sex change operation was a success.

Faith - Legs meet at knees, can't shag standing up.

Faye - Wears wellies, can't swim.

Felicity - One of the boys .. except that she has the most enormous nipples.

Fern - Posh with a large mouth, can hold a conversation whilst giving head.

Fiona - Female mud wrestler, badly needs a shave.

Fiyza - Very sexy, she knows it and she flaunts it

Francess - A lovely lady even if she is as common as muck!

Frankie - Wears leather underwear, if it's quiet you can hear her buzzing.

Gabriel - An arse to die for but pads her bra with tissues.

Gail - Farts a lot, drinks Guinness.

Gayleen - Big tall woman who talks sh*te all day.

Gaynor - Wanna-be *beep* who can't pull the girls.

Gemma - Talks too much, even during sex, even during oral sex!

Geraldine - Too posh for her own good, likes flying.

Gillian - Dyes her hair green, likes clubbing.

Gina - Eternal mother, eats nappies.

Glenda - Eats children, hates smoking.

Georgia - Loves her cakes, would rather have gateau than sex.

Georgina - Wants to be a man.

Grace - petite and pretty, f*cks like a rabbit.

Grainne - Giggles excessively, sometimes wets herself.

Gwyneth - Blubs a lot, wees in the bath.

Hannah - Needs to be naked at all times, eats kebabs.

Harriet - Wears tweed and green wellies to the pub.

Hayley - Pretty, likes fast cars and slow men.

Heather - Shags like a freight train, bit of a screamer.

Helen - Hangs around with the wrong rowd, Kinky in bed, loves porn and is totally neurotic.

Helena - Likes to be in charge, wears a lot of black rubber.

Heidi - The hills are alive with the sound of music, likes gherkins, hates *beep*.

Hilary - Frigid.

Holly - Prickly to the touch, seasonal shagmeister.

Imogen - Drinks tequila from the bottle, wets the bed.

Ingrid - Right wing Nazi tendencies, never smiles.

Isobel - Motorbike gang leader, sells guns for pocket money.

Jackie - Heroin addict, sold her child.

Jade - I once had a Jade, but hasn't everybody??

Jalaine - Strange, introverted girl, secretly into plastic model aeroplanes.

Janet - Massive over bite, no neck.

Jane - She's hot and she knows it, a *beep*-teaser.

Janice - Loud and over-the-top, tends to talk with her hands.

Jarla - Kinda like a female Ali-G only not as funny.

Jasmin - Smells of sewers, eats the heads off rats.

Jean - hangs around with old blokes and let's them buy her stuff.

Jemma - Does anal, wears too much eye make-up.

Jenni - bone idle hence the tendency to shorten long words.

Jennifer - Huge breas*s, should shave her legs more often.

Jessica - Always shags on the first date and sometimes even before it.

Joanna - Moans in her sleep, moans when she wakes up, can't cook.

Jo - Bisexual and proud of it.

Joelle - Lively, exciting, jolly and fun ... sometimes too much so!

Josephine - Likes to be tied up and teased.

Jody - Dresses like a boy and eats live frogs for breakfast.

Joyce - Never stops talking ... for God's sake shut up woman!

Judith - Big eyes, big *beep*, big problem with ballance.

Judy - Huge *beep*, married to a retard.

Julia - Innocent face, don't trust her, she'll steal your wallet in five minutes

Juliet - Eats too many chips, has greasy hair and a hairy arse.

Justine - Massive *beep*, likes hanging around men's toilets.

Julie - Likes outdoor sex, preferably with a chance of getting caught.

Kacie - cute and adorable, but prone to sulking.

Karen - Huge *beep*, shags like a rabbit.

Kate - kisses with her tongue and can hold a conversation whilst doing it.

Katherine - old-fashioned girl, giggles when anyone mentions naughty words.

Katy - Tom boy, likes her sex dirty, usually outdoors.

Katie - likes blokes and team sports, preferably both together.

Kayleigh - The Lara Croft of Essex, great in bed (practice makes perfect)

Keira - person most likely to start a cult, related to Starlin.

Kelly - smells of cheese, slobbers when kissing.

Kelley - not very bright, can't spell Kelly.

Kelsey - Very clever, wears glasses, boys scare her.

Kerran - tries to be mysterious, but everyone has been there.

Kerry - pretty, cute, and changes underwear once a week.

Kiersten - very sexy to look at, hard to please in bed.

Kimberley - wants to be a bloke, drinks like a bloke, farts like a bloke, wears a wig.

Kirsty - Eats live moles, can't dance.

Krista - Cool and pretty, tends to daydream all day and sleepwalk all night.

Kristy - Shy until she gets drunk, prone to spots.

Kristen - Emotionally stunted, thinks Robot-Wars is cruel and should be banned.

Kylie - Can't sing but who cares ... lovely arse.

Lana - Hated by her parents, accidental pregnancy.

Lara - Action packed, never seen naked.

Laura - Likes Max power magazine, can't drive. Dominatrix

Lauren – Pert breas*s, seldom ventures out at night.

Leah - Likes outdoor sex, wees standing up.

Leanne - eats a lot of raw meat, most guys are scared of her.

Lena - Eats food then throws up, rapidly shrinking.

Leonie - Tall girl who likes short boys, it's a power thing.

Leslie - Likes bondage, hates men.

Leyla - Hot and horny, the girl that always will.

Lily - Makes a good friend, doesn't take crap from anyone.

Linda - Teenage bride can swallow oranges whole.

Lindsey - Likes doggy style, doesn't do housework.

Lisa - Will take all your money and run, gets turned on by porn.

Liz - Long legged and brainy.

Lizbeth - Sensible and serious, can talk without moving her lips.

Lorraine - Constantly whinges, will strip for a packet of jellybabies

Lorrie - Named after the vehicle she weighs the same as.

Louise/a - Likes to get around, fantastic breas*s.

Luci - cute and loveable

Lucy - Strange dancer, wants to marry her dad.

Lynn - Funny and sexy, everything a bloke wants in a woman.

Lynnette - Has the attention span of a budgerigar, likes pretty things.

Madeline - Drives like a bloke, likes tractors.

Madusa - Really likes men, preferrably grilled with a side salad.

Maggie - Trainspotter, likes plaid.

Mairi - Quiet and shy but incredibly clever, secretly planning to take over the world.

Mandy - Cute and cuddly, thick as a short plank.

Margaret - Lovely mother, very generous.

Maria - Bangs like a barn door.

Marie - Life sapping dominatrix. Likes men to do DIY.

Marina - No get up and go, rusty underwear.

Marion - stuffs her bra with tissue, a bit cross-eyed.

Marolyn - Eats like a horse, out stays her welcome.

Martina - Ugly *beep*.

Martine - Can't act, can't sing, nice *beep*.

Mary - Likes men with long tongues and talented fingers.

Matilda - Likes dancing, mainly the waltz.

Mavis - seems nice until you notice the black cat, broomstick and pointed hat.

Meg - Cheesy smell, should be spelt with an S.

Meghan - Cold, hard-hearted b**ch, enjoys upsetting little children.

Melanie - Can hold 2 bar vacuum orally indefinitely.

Melinda - Trailer trash ... pretty, plump, and infected.

Melissa - Eats dogs, has been in prison 6 times for burglary.

Meryl - Dances like an ape, doesn't realise.

Michaela - Likes animals, should make a video with them.

Michelle - Wears white stilettos, dances round her handbag.

Marsha - Big butt, small brain.

Molly - Pretty and naive, would like to be slimmer, wears clothes with too many flowers.

Monica - Doesn't swallow, should have.

Nadine - Stunt Lady, can drink any bloke under the table! Don't mess with her.

Naomi - Wannabe diva, more of a diver.

Nancy - White hair, remembers tanners.

Narelle - Likes dressing up as a French maid but not French.

Natalie - Eats with her mouth open, farts the Nokia phone tune.

Natasha - Had seven kids before age 17, needs ironing.

Nell - Hasn't realised WWII has ended, lives in Kent.

Niamh - Quiet and cute, secretly wears mens under-wear.

Nicci - Pretty, blonde, nicely dressed and vacant.

Nichola - quiet, studious type, wears glasses, a tiger in bed.

Nicola - Slapper, alcoholic in denial.

Nicole - small sweet and with nice hair, should wear underwear more often.

Niki - wannabe mysterious spy but not bright enough.

Nina - Stuffs her bra with tissues, been single for years.

Nissa - speach impediment causes her to hiss, fond of reptiles.

Olga - You can park a bike in her arse crack, excessive facial hair.

Olive - usually accompanied by a couple of people in white coats.

Olivia - Gorgeous and knows it, has to sew herself into her trousers..

Olwyn - stupid name, welsh, just unlucky I guess.

Pamela - Gives amazing head, made of plastic.

Patricia - Obsessive about appearances, yet denies that she's shallow.

Pat - short and common, one of the lads and a bit of a laff.

Paula - Transvestite merchant banker from Basildon.

Peggy - Wears outdated clothes and will only do missionary position.

Penelope - Pitstop queen, likes her men to be stiff.

Peta - Rough and tough, seriously into bondage.

Phillippa - Forest forager, likes wild boar.

Phyliss - Thinks sex is dirty, always washing her hands.

Polly - nice girl with really bad dress-sense, fashion disaster, it's a shame.

Priscilla - likes painting with oils, Duckhams mainly.

Preya - can't cook or clean but good in bed.

Prudence - sensible girl, wears flat shoes, but will shag anything in trousers.

Rachel - Amazing gravity defying breas*s, can grip a tenner in her arsecheeks.

Rebecca - Hairy armpits, orgasms without contact.

Rebekah - Not very bright, pretty, but sometimes forgets to bathe.

Renee - Huge breas*s, but wishes blokes would notice her mind.

Romany - Wild and beautiful, swings both ways.

Rosalind - Upper-class lady but works as a secret agent when the government needs her.

Rose - Can be prickly, gives good head.

Rosemary - Very shy, nearly always seen with a bright red face.

Roz - Only enjoys sex when she's tied up and spanked first.

Rula - She measures up well.

Ruth - Has stretch marks around her mouth.

Sadie - Stand up if you're slim, please stand up.

Sally - Drives a Mustang, fights in pubs.

Samantha - Loves her brother, has 4 deformed children.

Sandra - Shags donkeys for fun, bow legged.

Sara - Air-head, with a gorgeous body to compensate.

Sarah - intelligent, funny and very talented when it comes to the naughty stuff.

Sarah-Jane - 'posh' girl, will screw anything in a BMW.

Sasha – Looks dreadful the morning after. Smokes cigars

Selina - Doesn't wear pants, heavy laundry bills.

Shannon - Beautiful, curvaceous, should be a model.

Sharon - The original b**ch queen, uses everyone she meets.

Shauna - Lives in a trailer, has 16 kids each with a different surname.

Shelly - very cute, but a bit of a soft-hearted slapper.

Sheree - Cute, but very loud! desperately needs a volume control.

Shirley - Can swallow a Curly Whirly whole, likes bananas.

Shona - Librarian by day, exotic dancer by night.

Sinead - Wears big knickers and a vest, but is secretly very sexual.

Sian - Does mean sheep impression, hates mint sauce.

Silka - Appears shy, but secretly Miss Whiplash the dominatrix.

Silke - Only ever has sex outdoors near her favourite tree.

Simone - Used to be a shotputter from Cardiff.

Sonya – intelligent, funny and very talented when it comes to the naughty stuff.

Sophia - Beautiful girl with long legs, a shame her arse is the size of a small country.

Sophie - Brothel manager because she's too ugly to be a working girl.

Stacey - Likes cut off jeans and arseless Speedo's.

Steffi - Closet *beep*, maintains heterosexual relationship for effect.

Stella - reassuringly expensive, she's worth every penny!

Stephanie - Eats Muppets, wears Brogues.

Sue/Susanne - should shave more often, wears Denim aftershave. Very fertile.

Summer - wears flowers in her hair, a pretty dress, and no knickers.

Sylvia - loves the outdoors. Mad.

Tammy - Kind-hearted and generous, particularly in the bedroom.

Tanya - Hot minx, too short.

Tara - Upper class slapper, enjoys ranom chemicals.

Teresa - surprisingly small given the amount of alcohol she drinks.

Tina - Face like a smacked arse, should eat less.

Tori - Lives in a hedge, can't water ski.

Tracy - Easily swayed by alcohol. Mostly seen without underwear. Loves kittens.

Tracey - *beep*.

Ursula - Likes puppies,usually in a hot curry.

Val - usually drunk, doesn't know where her knickers are.

Valerie - quaint and old-fashioned, someones aunt.

Vanessa - Beautiful, power-crazy b**ch.

Veronica - closet *beep* who sleeps around to prove she isn't!

Vicki - Likes Yoga. And Women.

Vikki - Drinks anything so long as it's got vodka in it.

Wendy - Possibly a man.

Zakia - Wants to be a spy when she grows up, but needs to wash more often.

Zoe - Talentless rock chick. Prepared to use sex as a weapon.