Joke Of The Day

[phantomchic]

:spit:

Federal, State and Local Government have noticed that the standards of behaviour & etiquette have dropped recently.

Therefore, you have been asked to observe the following:

Australian Etiquette

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude

to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so

as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a

taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,

using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of

finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your

jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go

out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will

say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's

the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie

ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have

proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your

popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and

a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded

and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't

always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to

ask her to bring back beer too.

←

did I mention

http://www.fordxr6turbo.com/forum/index.ph...c=22861&st=3080

[phantomchic]

Noice one

LET HIM DIG

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated

each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could

be heard deep into the night the old man would shout, "When I die, I

will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for

the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practised black magic, because of

the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The

old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went

straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no

tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that

he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come

back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried

upside down......"

[Turbo6man]

It wasn't in the news but apparently Bill Clinton was an honoured visitor to Darwin last week - he flew over for three days - hoping for one last blow out of Monica.

[Dagabond]

Federal, State and Local Government have noticed that the standards of behaviour & etiquette have dropped recently.

Therefore, you have been asked to observe the following:

Australian Etiquette

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude

to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so

as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a

taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,

using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of

finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your

jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go

out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will

say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's

the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie

ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have

proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your

popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and

a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded

and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't

always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to

ask her to bring back beer too.

←

did I mention

http://www.fordxr6turbo.com/forum/index.ph...c=22861&st=3080

←

[tab]

  Noice one

LET HIM DIG

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated

each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could

be heard deep into the night the old man would shout, "When I die, I

will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for

the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practised black magic, because of

the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.  The

old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went

straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no

tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that

he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come

back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried

upside down......"

←

[phantomchic]

  Noice one

LET HIM DIG

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated

each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could

be heard deep into the night the old man would shout, "When I die, I

will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for

the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practised black magic, because of

the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.  The

old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went

straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no

tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that

he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come

back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried

upside down......"

←

←

and your jokes are posted Where????

[Turbo6man]

Subject: AAADD This might happen to you all.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to waterthe flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but

I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed,

the bills aren't paid,

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.

GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.

P.S. I just remembered, I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!

[harvyk]

[Turbo6man]

←

Oh yeah? Is that so? And where's the original then?

[Buf-Phoon]

←

Oh yeah? Is that so? And where's the original then?

←

Where's Super Dag's Thread Miner Extrodinaire