Joke Of The Day

[harvyk]

ARHAHAHA.....oh never mind...

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Bandwidth waster - look out for the PWP

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This is looking more like an ad for certain products (That or product placements have made their way into jokes...)

Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the

coffin.......

Still it came........!

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it........ Still it

came......!

He grabbed some Benadryl[ cough mixture and threw it........

[Paradoxx]

Ahhhhh good old product placement

[tab]

Valid point - Dags look out for the advertising police instead

[Dagabond]

Lucky 'THEY' didnt make a spelling mistake...

[Dagabond]

Federal, State and Local Government have noticed that the standards of behaviour & etiquette have dropped recently.

Therefore, you have been asked to observe the following:

Australian Etiquette

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude

to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so

as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a

taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,

using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of

finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your

jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go

out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will

say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's

the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie

ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have

proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your

popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and

a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded

and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't

always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to

ask her to bring back beer too.

[aniken]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

[aniken]

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce CourtJudge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

[aniken]

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

[aniken]

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1.. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

[Rob (F6)]

I've just finished reading 174 pages of jokes!

This means that I:

I) have a lot of work backed up.

ii) have a great boss, but that's the joy of being self employed.

iii) now need to add to this thread to waste some of your time..

Genius one liners from Jimmy Carr:

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"

I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...Self-raising?"

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber?".

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.They're trained for that.

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:"This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?