wicksy still kicking around Member 1,789 Member For: 21y 9m 3d Gender: Male Location: Mackay Posted 11/04/06 09:08 PM Share Posted 11/04/06 09:08 PM 100kw gain from a exhaust, that's a joke isnt it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aniken I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it Donating Members 4,316 Member For: 22y 5d Gender: Male Location: Sydney, south west Posted 12/04/06 12:44 PM Share Posted 12/04/06 12:44 PM Apparently Julius Caesar came back from murdering the Gauls in France and was soaking up the glory and acclaim of the Romans."Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and we killed 50,000 Gauls!"Caesar's old adversary Brutus gets sick of the adulation and heads off to France to check out the numbers. He comes back three weeks later and in front of the senate, declares "Caesar, you're a liar. You told us you killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've checked it out and you only killed 25,000!!".There is a stunned silence amongst the senate, until Caesar smiles wryly, gets to his feet and says: "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing....away Gauls count double in Europe". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harvyk Member 1,070 Member For: 19y 9m 24d Location: The North Cooma End of Canberra... Posted 13/04/06 04:43 AM Share Posted 13/04/06 04:43 AM Gold Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paradoxx Colossal Member Member 5,049 Member For: 20y 4m 1d Gender: Male Location: Perth, WA Posted 15/04/06 05:21 AM Share Posted 15/04/06 05:21 AM Might be a repost...Oil Change instructions for women:1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles sincethe last oil change.2) Drink a cup of coffee.3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properlymaintained vehicle.Money spent:Oil Change $20.00Coffee $1.00Total $21.00Oil Change instructions for men:1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto Zone parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.3) Open a beer and drink it.4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.7) Place drain pan under engine. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.9) Give up and use crescent wrench.10) Unscrew drain plug.11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to service station to recycle.19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface, be sure filter is full of oil.23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.24) Remember drain plug from step 11.25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.27) Drink beer.28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.30) Drink beer.31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.33) Begin cussing fit.34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.36) Beer.37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.38) Beer.39) Beer.40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.41) Beer.42) Lower car from jack stands.43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.45) Beer.46) Test drive car.47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.48) Car gets impounded.49) Call loving wife, make bail50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.Money spent:Parts $50.00DUI $2500.00Impound fee $75.00Bail $1500.00Beer $40.00Total - - $4,165.00But you know the job was done right! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coach3062 Member 91 Member For: 18y 10m 19d Gender: Male Location: North west NSW Posted 15/04/06 01:15 PM Share Posted 15/04/06 01:15 PM A little old lady and her husband are sitting in a packed church just before the minister begins his weekly sermon.She leans over to her husband and whispers in his ear " I just did a silent fart, what should do?"He says "I think you should get some new batteries for your hearing aid". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoon Hoon Member 156 Member For: 19y 8m 15d Posted 17/04/06 10:36 AM Share Posted 17/04/06 10:36 AM A married couple are having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That's too much!" He then asked, "OK, how much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.The husband said "Ask for $40." The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man had the longest schlong she'd ever seen.She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"*****A guy's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"Looking over her carefully, he replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.""Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed."Hey, wait a minute!" he interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."*****A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the bodies before they were sent off to be cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest lizard he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge asset like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's best friend. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwarz is dead! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dagabond Bored Member Administrator 35,722 Member For: 22y 1m 11d Gender: Male Location: Dé·jà vu Posted 17/04/06 10:53 AM Share Posted 17/04/06 10:53 AM Late last Saturday night , a young chap was walking home from a club.Itwas a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.Most of the street lights in the area were broken, and the silence wasonlybroken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through adustbin.Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......BUMP........BUMP........BUMP........BUMP........Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the drivingrain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.BUMP........BUMP........BUMP........He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the boxapproachedfrom the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly.... Itwasa coffin...!Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and startedwalking briskly home.< BR>BUMP........BUMP........BUMP........BUMP........He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walkingfaster.........BUMP........BUMP.......BUMP........BUMP.......BUMP........BUMP.......BUMP........BUMP.......The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but heheardthe coffin speed up after him......BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin wasonlyseconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,Hisha nd trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slammingthefront door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped intohiscomfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed itswaythrough the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off thecoffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as itcontinuedits chase.....BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs couldtakehim he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...The cof fin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing andlauncheditself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom doorflewoff its hinges.....The coffin stood in the doorway, then began to approach the terrifiedlad.BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH..BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroomcabinet......He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at thecoffin.......Still it came........!BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH..He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it........ Still itcame......!BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it...... Still it came......!BUMP...SCREECH...BUM P...SCREECH...He grabbed some Benadryl cough mixture and threw it........And the coffin stopped. ARHAHAHA.....oh never mind... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paradoxx Colossal Member Member 5,049 Member For: 20y 4m 1d Gender: Male Location: Perth, WA Posted 17/04/06 12:40 PM Share Posted 17/04/06 12:40 PM Holy crap that was a long jokeCorrectionA long, stupid, pointless, waste of time joke that wasnt really a joke at all... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harvyk Member 1,070 Member For: 19y 9m 24d Location: The North Cooma End of Canberra... Posted 18/04/06 02:50 AM Share Posted 18/04/06 02:50 AM Adam was sitting in the Garden of Edan when god came down and asked Adam “how he was going”, to which Adam replied, "Ok I guess, but I'm lonely", to which god replied, "I'll tell you what, I'll make you a women to be your wife".Adam was very excited about this, but before he could speak god continued."She will always be in just the right mood, she'll never nag you, or tell you to do the dishes. She'll never be emotional, when you learn about clothes she will happily iron them. When you have children she will look after them for you. She will never tell you to come home when your off enjoying a beer with your mates. She will be absolutely perfect.”Adam then thought about this for a second and then asked god “What will this cost me”, to which god replied “an arm and a leg”, Adam thought about this for a second and then asked “What can I get for a rib?” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tab Sucker Moderating Team 32,303 Member For: 20y 8m Gender: Male Location: Brisbane Posted 18/04/06 03:18 AM Share Posted 18/04/06 03:18 AM ARHAHAHA.....oh never mind... ←Bandwidth waster - look out for the PWP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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