Joke Of The Day

[ducatijb]

Afraid to Cough

The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall"?

The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative".

The owner yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives"!

The clerk says, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough"!

[Cro]

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the

Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before

you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;

Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental

Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above

referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal

landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized

activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the

outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the

start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files

shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has

determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland

Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental

Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections

324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The

Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially

failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at

downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently

hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders

you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to

restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and

brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work

shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003. Please notify this

office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up

site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply

with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site

may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement

action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in

this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you

have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management

Division

** This is the actual response sent back: **

Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.

I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget,

Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State

unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood

"debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did

not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they

would be highly offended that you call their skilful use of natures

building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your

department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or

any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way

you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness,

their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination

and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they

must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of

dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to

discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all

beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you

are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the

Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those

other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we

will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland

Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental

Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections

324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is-aren't the beavers

entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are

financially destitute and are unable to pay for said

representation-so the State will have to provide them with a dam

lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the

dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that

this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to

protect. In

other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather

than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the

stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the

beavers-but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not

pay any attention to your dam letter-they being unable to read

English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right

to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the

grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights

than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural

Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it

should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment

(Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be

referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait

until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then

and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real

environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!

Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you

should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers

alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your

step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to

contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response

to your dam office.

THANK YOU

RYAN DEVRIES + THE DAM BEAVERS

[ducatijb]

Subject: Coke Vs. Water

This is really an eye opener.... Water or Coke?

We all know that water is important but I've never seen it

written down like this before.

WATER

1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.

2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.

3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.

4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.

5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory,

trouble with basic math, & difficulty focusing on the computer screen or a printed page.

8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

And now for the properties of COKE

1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two

gallons of coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2 . You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet

bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous China.

4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

8 . To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

For Your Info:

1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8

It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches

calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.

2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials.

3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the

engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Now the question is, would you like a coke or a glass of water?

[Cro]

Complete BS.

They are all rumors which have not been tested...

I dare you to try any one of those things, they will not work.

Check out tccc.com, ccamatil.com. They put a rest to the rumors..

[ducatijb]

Most Embarrassing Moments

These are absolute gems.I like them all.

A radio station in Australia recently ran a phone-in competition to find

the most embarrassing moments in listener's lives. The following are the

final placegetters:-

3rd Place

It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home,but my parents

had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic

night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone

ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call,we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled

'SURPRISE'.

My entire family...aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

2nd Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up

to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checkout chick got on the public

address system and boomed out for all the store to hear 'Price check on lane

13 TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.' That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear

of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'TAMPAX' for 'THUMBTACKS'

In a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address

system:

'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND

YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER?'

and the winner is

This one happened at a major Australian University in October last year

In a biology lecture, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels

found in semen. A young female, raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in the male semen as in sugar?'

'That's correct.' Responded the professor, going on to add some statistical

data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste

sweet?'

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl

turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently

said, she picked up her books, and without a word walked out of the class,

and never returned. However, as she was going out of the door, the

professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her

question. 'IT DOESN'T TASTE SWEET BECAUSE THE TASTE-BUDS FOR

SWEETNESS

ARE

ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE AND NOT IN THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT.'

[Dagabond]

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness ! Are there ANY Dwarf nuns any where in the world?"

After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting

"Dopey shagged a penguin !"

"Dopey shagged a penguin !"

"Dopey shagged a penguin !"

[ducatijb]

Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which

his Dad keeps saying "No". After all the nagging, he agrees and says," OK".

Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's

Love Juice?"

Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked,

proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all.

Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?"

Johnny replies: "Wimbledon."

[Falchoon]

Top Country Western Songs of all Time

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.

24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.

23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.

20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.

19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here.

14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.

13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).

10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.

9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

8. Please Bypass This Heart.

7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.

5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.

[XRSICKT]

Marriage (Part I)

>Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady

>and after the wedding, he laid down the following

>rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at

>what time I want. I don't expect any hassle from

>you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table

>unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

>I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing

>when I want with my old buddies and don't you give

>me a hard time about it.

>Those are my rules. Any comments?"

>

> His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just

> understand that there will be sex here at seven

> o'clock every night . . . whether you're here or not."

> DAMN SHE'S GOOD!

> Marriage (Part II)

> Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of

>their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells,

>"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that

>reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'" "Yeah?"

>she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a

>headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

>

> HE ASKED FOR IT!

> Marriage (Part III)

> Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight

> at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage

> and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and

> storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes

> he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings

> her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and

> the irritated husband says, "What took you so long

> to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In

> bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"

> YUP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!

>

> Marriage (Part IV)

> A man has six children and is very proud of his

> achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he

> starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six " in spite of

> her objections. One night, they go to a party. The

> man decides that it's time to go home and wants to

> find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He

> shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home

> Mother of six?'" His wife, irritated by her

> husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,

> "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

> RIGHT ON, LADY!

> "God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough

>draft before the masterpiece."

[Falchoon]

The tale of Rodney and the Donkey

A city boy, Rodney, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Rodney replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Rodney said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Rodney, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Rodney, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Rodney and asked, "What Happened with that dead donkey?"

Rodney, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Rodney, "Just the guy who won". So I gave him his two dollars back."

Rodney grew up and eventually became the chairman of HIH, FAI and OneTel.