Joke Of The Day

[Cro]

Thanks for that Trumpy, not the same without the ending

[Guest Craig]

The Curtain

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".

The surprised salesman replies: - "But madam, computers do not have curtains...".

And the blonde said: - "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[HellionXR6T]

Bwahahahahaha.

ROFWL......lol. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Not that I'm partial to blonde jokes or anything....

OK.

This is naughty. There is the "F" word involved in the image. You have been warned!

[XRSICKT]

ohhhhh, how cute... hehehe

[Falchoon]

Chilli judging

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.

CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno Tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

CAMERON: Momma?

[HellionXR6T]

hahahahahaha, onya `hoon, that's great, excellent, I wanted a copy of that joke when I had someone read it to us at a party about ayear ago, now I have a copy, funny stuff.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[XRSICKT]

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until, one

day, he comes across a beautiful Honda Gold Wing with a for sale sign

on it. The bike seems even more beautiful than a new one, although it is

10 years old. It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He

immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great

condition for 10 years.

Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the

bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It

protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her

parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they

enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you

something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we

don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner

has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in

the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the

kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in

the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to

dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches

over and fondles her brea$t$. Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the

table, and $crew$ her right there, in front of her parents. His

girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her

mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way

with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his motorcycle, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his

pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts:

"Alright, enough already, I'll do the f *cking dishes!"

[aniken]

Good one sick

[HellionXR6T]

XRSICKT,

Thank you!!! After the shocker from hell day yesterday, that 'pearler' was what the Doctor ordeed!!!

[richdave]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

 

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said

to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

 

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

 

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.   The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.  Why do you suppose that is?"

 

 

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

 

 

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?