Joke Of The Day

[XR06T]

how did this thread get here?

[phantomchic]

how did this thread get here?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

been here forever

shazzy

[phantomchic]

Marriage - Part I

A typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

1). "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at the time I want and

I don't expect any hassle from you.

2). I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

3). I'll go hunting, fishing, drinking and card-playing when I want with my buddies and don't you ever complain about it.

"Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's all just fine with me. But please understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ......... whether you're here or not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone

that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

*****************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

******************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

**************************************

Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[harvyk]

Only in america

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution! These people Vote

=======

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"... She ALSO votes!

==========

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . He ALSO votes!

==========

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . She ALSO votes!

==========

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. . . My sister ALSO votes!

==========

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned... My friend ALSO votes!

=========

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?".

[harvyk]

> Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk,

> as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already

> asleep.He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

>

> When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed

> wearing a long flowing white robe.

> "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my

> bedroom?".

> The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

>

> Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much

> to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send

> me back straight away".

>

> St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.

> We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

>

> Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his

> house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he

> Was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

> "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling

> welling up inside him.

>

> The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,

> how are you enjoying your first day here?"

> "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling

> inside like I'm about to explode".

> "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never

> laid an egg before".

> "Never" replies Brian

> "Well just relax and let it happen"

>

> And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg

> pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over

> him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced

> motherhood for the first time.

>

> When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming

> and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that

> ever happened to him...ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just

> about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of

> his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken

> bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"

[phantomchic]

Stress management help

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,"

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

See, you're smiling already.

[Turbo6man]

TWELVE PRIESTS were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward and bent over to pick it up.

Then all the other bells began to ring.

[phantomchic]

FEMALE PRAYER FOR 2006:

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs for more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

[phantomchic]

MALE PRAYER FOR 2006:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor

store and a big boat.

This doesn't rhyme and he don't give a sh%t!

Amen

[jordak]

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural

pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who

approached her immediately. She seductively signalled

that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed

his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his

face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she

said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is

there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she

continued, running her forefinger across the

bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her

fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them

gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to

say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper,

hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."