Joke Of The Day

[aniken]

NZ road sign

[aniken]

17 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

17. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

[Cro]

A cowboy two steps into a bar, realizes it's a *beep* bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."

When the *beep* waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of yourpenis?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The *beep* waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your pen*s. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'." The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says,

"So, what do you call yours?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims,

"FORD, because Quality is Job Number One."

Then he adds,"Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,

"The name of my pen*s is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's...

STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN."

[richdave]

STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN."

huh?

[Guest]

huh?huh?

[Falchoon]

Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my

right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour

with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was

halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!!

It scared me (I'm a man) so much that I dropped my electric shaver,

which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my

knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear,

which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and

burn me THERE!, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette

out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!

[Falchoon]

These are pretty good - I especially like # 13...

Things I hate about everybody ' by Billy Conolly

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I

know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my

crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire

room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and

change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it

too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course

it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do

people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No

tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking

floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me

a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,

then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,

then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the

longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's

longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus

come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.

So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No

it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's

an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you

insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a

McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank

looks...........Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes

you f*cking McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you

alright? Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

[HellionXR6T]

Hahahahahahahaha,

Oh I have to add this after seeing N0. 13. Sorry Moderators. I'll "BEEP" it ever so slightly but you need the full effect.

It was a Saturday morning, oh, say 2:00am, full of grog, waiting in the queue for McDonalds in "The Valley" of all places and a mate of mine yells at the top of his voice.

"Hurry the McF*ck up will ya"!!!

LOL, the whole place roared.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Turbo6man]

There was a city cop sitting on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his shiny, new bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little boy said. "He sure did!" The cop looked the bike over, and handed the little boy a $20 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young boy looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there, sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year, tell Santa the d*ck goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[Cro]

STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN."

huh?

Bah,...I dont know either.

I got it in my email and it said Ford...