Joke Of The Day

[richdave]

300 people at a wedding does not make it a huge wedding.

And only 32k spend for 300 people, what a tighta... guests must of been starving...

maybe it was US dollars

have heard this before and thought it was in the US

[XRSICKT]

Yeah, must have been US Dollars,

Ummmm, I wonder how much he payed to have 300 copies of the photo done....

and more importantly, is there a copy on the net???

[ducatijb]

Subject: Fw: Jim and Mary

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out. When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with her dressing gown belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's dead."

Jim replied, "She didn't hang herself. I put her up there to dry."

[XRSICKT]

The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved,

hung herself with her dressing gown belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's dead."

Jim replied, "She didn't hang herself. I put her up there to dry."

BWAAHHH HAH HA HAAAAAAA

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Mitchy_G]

A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs.

"Here we go again."

[Guest Mac_Dude]

For those of us with kids...

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.

"Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,"

answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

_________________________________________________

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....

"Da-ad...."

"What?

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later:

"Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......

"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of

water?"

________________________________________________

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

_________________________________________________

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

_________________________________________________

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a b**ch to iron."

________________________________________________

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

________________________________________________

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b**ch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b**ch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the

mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them say two plus two, that son of a b**ch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

_________________________________________________

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy S**t! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

[Falchoon]

For all you Aussie men who have forgotten the rules, For all others, consider adopting these into your culture.......

The Rules of Life for Australian Men

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a buck's night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

c. After wrecking your boss' car.

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e. When she is using her teeth.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask

the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12. Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

24. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.

26. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

27. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5 litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.

28. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

29. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2. End of story

[KEN 24T]

Funny as f*ck, Falchoon ... :lol:

[Falchoon]

A topical joke...

Three rugby fans were on their way to the State of Origin game when

one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the fan from Brisbane took off his Queensland cap and placed it over her right breast.

The second Queensland fan took off his cap and placed it over her

left breast. Following their lead, the lone NSW fan took off his Blues cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his

inspection. First, he lifted up the first Queensland cap, replaced

it and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the second Queensland cap, replaced it and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the NSW cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The NSW fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a

pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and

looking?"

"Well," said the officer. "I am surprised. Normally when I look

under a NSW hat, I find an @rsehole".

[HellionXR6T]

Good one Falchoon....lol.

Mate, you have way too much time on your hands, you should be a Moderator for this site...lol.

:lol: :lol: :lol: