Joke Of The Day

[XRSICKT]

I picked the below bumper stickers for the T

Was It Love At First Sight - Or Should I Drive By Again?

GAS, GRASS OR ASS, No One Rides For Free

Caution - Driver just doesn't give a sh*t anymore

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do own the whole damn road

I don't suffer from insanity -- I enjoy every minute of it

Women come and go, but...you can rely on a Ford

[XRSICKT]

heres todays movie , the perfect wife :lol:

594kb

IDEALWIF.mpeg

[tongueboy]

A sign that you have been married to long! "you know the romance has lost it's flower when she comes in for a sh*t while you are in the shower"

[Turbo6man]

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church in Sweetwater and I had to quit drinking . . . hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Cro]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Guest Dis_Orderly]

:lol: where do you guys get all these jokes from

[XRSICKT]

:lol: where do you guys get all these jokes from

mate, they come from wherever, we receive them in a email, on a websites, we hear other people telling them, or they could be personal experiences, please post some of your own

heres todays one..

[Falchoon]

The 2003 Darwin Awards

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards this year are, once again, truly classic.

These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Just think...

until these events, these same people were walking the streets like normal people.

5th RUNNER-UP:

Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.

The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower

he hit was the one with its pad removed.

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4th RUNNER-UP:

Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying.

Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

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3rd RUNNER-UP:

Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

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2nd RUNNER-UP:

"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off hi lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it." "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial

injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area MedicalDivision. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that,"Payne said.

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1st RUNNER-UP:

Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.

Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

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Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER:

(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having

had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.

They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunate for (the late) Mr.

Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree.

His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly

figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.

Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh.

Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from

massive internal injuries.

Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen, you win...

[ducatijb]

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. Even Jay Leno mentioned it on The Tonight Show.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception,the groom got up on stage to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing a fabulous reception.

To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything,

he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped

to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the

wedding party.

He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to

open the envelopes. Inside each envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best

mate having sex with his new bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple

of minutes, he turned to the best man and said,"F--- you!"

He turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" And then he turned to the

dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing the next morning.

While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately

after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge:

* Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for a

wedding and reception.

* Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.

And best of all...

* Trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families.

Do you think we might see one of those Mastercard "Priceless"commercials out of this?

Elegant wedding for 300 family and guest:$32,000

Photographers for the wedding: $3,000

Deluxe Honeymoon accommodations in Maui for 2:$8,500

The look on everyone's faces after seeing a photo the Bride and Best Man having sex: Priceless

Revenge takes many forms.

[Cro]

300 people at a wedding does not make it a huge wedding.

And only 32k spend for 300 people, what a tighta... guests must of been starving...