Joke Of The Day

[BAXR6T]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The barman poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The barman approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina'?" The drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

[Turbo6man]

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8

lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all

females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

Flip one off?

I think not.

[BAXR6T]

Two boys in Brisbane are playing football when one of the boys is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence,wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A Courier Mail Press reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Lions Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. But I'm not a Lions fan," the little hero replies. "Sorry, since we are in Brisbane I just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again. "Bronco's Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," ! he jots in his notebook. "I'm not a Bronco fan either," the boy responds. The reporter starts again, "Maroons supporter risks life in heroic rescue". "But I'm not a Maroon fan either" says the boy.

"I assumed everyone in Brisbane was either for the Lions, Broncos or the Maroons. What team do you cheer for?" the reporter asks.

"We are both from Sydney and I'm a Blue's fan," the boy says. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

"Little Redneck Cockroach B*stard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

[XRSICKT]

another optical illusion

forgot to add the attachement, here it is

[Guest]

A newly wed couple arrive at the hotel to start their honeymoon . They enter and are met at reception,"was it a good wedding?" the young receptionist asks. "Love your wedding dress" she says. "there's a complementary bottle of champers waiting for you up stairs, do enjoy your stay and Ill see you in the morning". "Cant wait to get up stairs" says the young bride as she grabs her new husbands hand and proceeds to bound up the stairs to the honey moon suite.

Morning comes around and the new bride appears at the top of the stair case and says to the receptionist" It was a wonderfull night, I feel just like a briquette"

How do you mean asks receptionist? "Red hot and glowing all over" answers the bride as she glides down the stairs to breckie .The groom appears dishevelled at the top of the stairs and says to the receptionist, what a night - I feel just like a briquette. And the receptionist says - red, hot and glowing all over?

No says the groom - one more poke and I'll fall to pieces!

[Turbo6man]

A bloke was driving along the highway outside of Burke, glances in his rear view mirror and notices a cop car way back but catching up fast. He looks down at his

speedo and sure enough he’s over the limit and doing about 140kph.

He decides to see how quick this cop can go so he flattens it. He gets to 160 and the cop is still catching up. He goes past 180 and the damn cop is still making ground. At 200 kph his old Fairlane just hasn’t got any more left and the cop is gaining all the time.

After a minute the cop draws up along side in his XR8 and motions for the driver to stop. Resignedly he pulls to the side of the road.

The cop starts by asking him his reason for speeding to which he replies “Sorry officer, I must have taken my eye off the speedo and it just crept up on me”.

“OK,” says the cop, “How then do you explain why you ran after you saw me behind you?”

“Oh, that’s easy” says the driver, “You see, I’ve recently had a run of really bad luck, like you wouldn’t believe. It’s been going on for over a week now. First, my best

friend died of cancer last weekend. We had been best mates since school, over 40 years of really close friendship. Then, on Wednesday, the day of his funeral, as I was backing out of my drive to go to the service, I ran over my dog and killed him. I’d had him for 15 years since he was a pup, and he was my best working dog and my loyal companion. Then, just a few days after burying my two best mates, my wife runs off with a copper. So when I saw you chasing me, naturally, I thought that it was you and you were trying to return her”.

[richdave]

......when I saw you chasing me, naturally, I thought that it was you and you were trying to return her”.

truly a wise man..... :lol: :lol:

[sixfan]

LAMENT OF THE COMMADORE MAN

I wish I was a wiser man

well read of books and stuff,

I wish I was a smarter man

studied up on all the guff

I wish I had read Motor

or even browsed through Zoom,

or perhaps had gone to ford

to hear the XR6's tune

But it seems I am

a man of lowly wit

not kowing any better

I bought a Expensive Daewoo piece of sh#t

[XRSICKT]

word for blonds

[Turbo6man]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

**************************************************

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

**************************************************

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."