Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

[Blown BA]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

[Blown BA]

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?

Men always miss them.

[phantomchic]

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?

Men always miss them.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I have a new respect for you

[Blown BA]

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?

Men always miss them.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I have a new respect for you

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[ENVY-T]

A beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending

the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress-

sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large,

silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and

holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his

chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The

husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested

that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips

and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more

excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to

show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars

down.

"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage,

flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now, tell him you have a headache."

[phantomchic]

The husband had just finished reading the book, MAN OF THE HOUSE.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said,

"From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house,

and my word is law!

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished

eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f@#$ing funeral director."

[Turbofalke]

Dear IT Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5 and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.while Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also,when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive,it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

What should I do??

[Turbofalke]

Donald Rumsfeld informed George W that US troops had just shot 3 Brazilian soldiers.

George W expresses deep whoa and continues to hold his thoughts attempting to work it out.

Donald R asks him if he understands.

George W states, "Sure, but I am trying to work out just how many a brazilian is"!

[Blown BA]

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked, "Do you have any military experience?"

The Marine replied, "Why, yes! I've been in the Marines for a couple of years."

"I see," said the interviewer, "any disabilities?"

The Marine looked at him and replied shakily. "Well... In the Vietnam War I had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my *beep*."

The interviewer, quite shocked, said "All right, you're hired. Please report to work on Monday at 10:00am."

"Wait wait!" shouted the Marine, "When do the others start? I don't want any special treatment just because of my disability."

The interviewer replied, "Well... I'll tell you the truth. Everyone normally comes at 7:00 in the morning, but nothing gets done until 10. All we do is sit around, scratching our nuts trying to figure out what to do."