Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

Due to my up coming move, please feel free to attend my garage sale

Although I don't want to, I am forced to sell some of my most cherished possessions, so I have decided to have a garage sale this weekend.

Garage sale will be on this Saturday 21st June . Let me know if interested, I can provide more details.

Picture is attached - see if there is anything that you might like.

PLEASE LET ME KNOW AT THE EARLIEST, AS I AM DESPERATE.

[Falchoon]

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod.Was she pretty?" 

"Dunno, never found the head."

Sounds like something one of my former weirdo mates would do, he once got a live cat and tied it to a rail road and waited to see what would happen, he also tied a cat's tail to a big brick and put the poor thing in a pool. I was so pissed at him for being so cruel, I told him he should get himself checked out and never spoke to him again.

I had a "mate" that put his dog in the microwave for a few seconds, it was never the same after, must of scrambled it's brain, it was the loopiest dog you've ever seen. He also set fire to a cat or a rabbit one night and watched it run around in agony while he pi$$ed himself laughing at it.

[Guest Mac_Dude]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, Afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again."

"Christian replied " No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've

changed."...(wait for it) . .

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......."I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian".

(please don't hit me.....)

[Falchoon]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a

brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a

young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,

leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,

"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you

give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his

peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it

to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he

called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then

opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He

sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a

response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi- tech,

miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have

exactly 1,586 sheep".

"That is correct, take one of the sheep," said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into

his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your

business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not," answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here,

although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already

knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my

business. Now give me back my dog

[Lumpen]

A yuppie is driving down the road one day and sees a coffee shop that he must have a try of.Anyway he parks his BMW outside and just as he opens the door a Semi whips past a takes his arm clean off...

The ambos arrive around 20minutes later and all the Yuppie is doing is running round screaming "My Car, My Car" and sobbing about his lease repayments and No Claim Bonuses.

All the while he is bleeding to death from his arm.An Ambo grabs him and tells him to sit down for a while...

"My Car My car"...

"Sir, Your car isn't that important".Said the Ambo as he looked at this poor chaps lost arm,"Sir, you've lost soemthing far more valuable than that"

The Yuppie take the Ambos cue and looks down to where his arm should be...

"Oh God no" he screamed, "You're Right"

My Rolex, My Rolex!!!!!!

[Turbo6man]

Rules For Dating My Daughter

If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If

you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be failing

off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and

open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your pants ten sizes too big, and I

will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come of'f during the course of your date with my

daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me

elaborate. When it comes to sex with my daughter I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do

this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house.

The only word I need from you on this subject is “early."

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay

with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is

finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If

you want to be on time for the movie you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take

longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful like

changing the oil in my car?

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer

than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness.

Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce

my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka

zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws

are okay. Football games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my

daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one

chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the

house. Do not trifle with me.

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a

rice paddy outside Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head tell me to clean my guns as I wait for

you to bring my daughter home. As you pull into the driveway there is no need to walk my daughter to the front door. She is to

exit your car immediately and come straight to the house. The camouflaged face at the window is mine and I will have her

safely covered with my shotgun.

[aniken]

:lol: @ turbo6man

[aniken]

In Japan, they replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict rules and communicate with brevity timeless messages. Here are some actual messages from Japan.

1.

The web site you seek

cannot be located, but

countless more exist.

2.

Chaos reigns within,

Reflect, repent, and reboot,

Order shall return

3.

Program aborting:

Close all that you have worked on.

You ask far too much.

4.

Windows crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death

No one hears your screams.

5.

Yesterday it worked.

Today it is not working.

Windows is like that.

6.

Your file was so big.

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

7.

Stay the patient course

Of little worth is your ire.

The network is down.

8.

A crash reduces

your expensive computer

To a simple stone.

9.

Three things are certain:

Death, taxes and lost data

Guess which occurred.

10.

You step in the stream,

But the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

11.

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

12.

Having been erased,

The document you're seeking

Must now be retyped.

13.

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen, mind. Both are blank.

[richdave]

......."I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian".

ROFL.................................. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Falchoon]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."