Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a sexy body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform. Limp as a dish rag!

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at his pen*s, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a b**ch. Now I know why they call you a *beep*!

[XR64T]

A guy walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a white wine.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Australian from the east.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist?

Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers,

"It's okay boys. He's one of us."

[phantomchic]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

-If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

-If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan !!

[HellionXR6T]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at

the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her

hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to

a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to

write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources person is puzzled by this decision and asks "What's

sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells

nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith - the midget."

[Blown BA]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost boobs...

{B} Barely there

{C} Can't complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake

{G} Get a Reduction

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

[Blown BA]

This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight and she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.

So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and you're going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.

So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, you're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago Ill. and you're going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down. She picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I've got to try it again.

So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, you're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago Ill. and you're going to break wind. She thinks I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again.

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, you're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago Ill. and you're going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it. I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport.

She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, and around and missed your flight to Chicago!

[Blown BA]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

" No," he replied, "arthritis."

[TUFGSR]

One day little johnnys mother is cleaning his room when she accidentally stumbles across an S&M porno magazine. Shocked and upset she rushes to her husband to show him her find. "Look what I found in Johnny's room, what are we going to do?" explains the mother.

The father replies, "Well for gods sake don't spank him"

[aniken]

THERE WERE THREE GOOD ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:

1. He went into His Father's business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God !

BUT THEN THERE WERE 3 EQUALLY GOOD ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He used olive oil.

AND THREE EQUALLY GOOD ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:

1. He called everyone "brother"

2. He liked Gospel

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

BUT THEN THERE WERE 3 EQUALLY GOOD ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

BUT THEN THERE WERE 3 EQUALLY GOOD ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

BUT THE MOST COMPELLING EVIDENCE OF ALL- THREE REASONS TO BELIEVE THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

[aniken]

An elderly couple, she was 85, he was 90, decided that they would take advantage of modern science to conceive another child. They discussed it with a fertility expert who said it was indeed possible.

The doctor gave the couple a jar and asked them to return a semen sample the next day.

The next day, the couple presented the doctor with an empty jar.

The husband apologized, "I tried my right hand...I tried my left hand... My wife tried her right hand...My wife tried her left hand. She took her teeth out and used her mouth. We still couldn't get the lid off the jar."