Joke Of The Day

[ducatijb]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The

doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never

felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my

child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and says, "I have a

friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day

when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his

umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a

prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised

his umbrella and went; "Bang, bang," and the beaver fell over dead.

What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly.

[XRSICKT]

What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly.

hehehe, good one :lol:

[Turbo6man]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her

first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the

owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on

in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and

a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been

trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant

three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million

dollars a year for the rest of my life."

No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long,

healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and

natural disasters!"

And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a

thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune,

and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good

fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you".

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying

each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop fun, the genie rolled

over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really? Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[BlueXR6Turbo]

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and

asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One cent!?" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks

"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "and that's also on special

today."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

[BlueXR6Turbo]

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the

stand in a trial, a grand-motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and

asked,

"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you

since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to

me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them

behind their backs. You think you're a rising big-shot when you haven't the

brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two bit

paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed

across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do, I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a

youngster too. I used to baby-sit him and he too has been a real

disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The

man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is

one of the worst in the entire State. Not to mention he cheated on his wife

with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney was also shocked and surprised. At this point, the

judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench,

and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards ask her if she

knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

[Falchoon]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not

in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in

front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She

watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room,

"Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years

ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you

remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside

him. The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the

shot gun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you

to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his

cheek and said

......"I would have gotten out today."

[ducatijb]

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning.. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended).

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says...

This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage doorshut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache." B)

[ducatijb]

Which would you choose?

Cake or bed?????

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,

"honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He look at her and says angrily, "fix the lights now? Does it look like I have ge written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"fine" , then the wife asks, "well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have

westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps." He says, "does it look like I have ace hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.

As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey," he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?"

She said, "well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me

what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

He said, "so what kind of cake did you bake?"

She replied, "hellooooo....do you see betty crocker written on my forehead?

I don't think so!"

:lol:

Edited 12/06/03 05:26 AM by richdave

[XRSICKT]

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning.. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended).

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says...

This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage doorshut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache." B)

That is a great one, good one dude :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Turbo6man]

TIPS FOR STRESS MANAGEMENT

Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique

recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it

really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of

serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding

underwater.