Joke Of The Day

[turbotom]

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

He had a pond in the next paddock, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some mango and avocado trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[ZAP]

This is why Quantas are the only airline without a major disaster to their name…

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems ...

... encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Blown BA]

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a

monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look

at the size of that Son of a b**ch!" "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled

for!" "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is-a Son of a b**ch fish!" "Really? Well

then, help me land this Son of a b**ch!"

Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the

biggest Son of a b**ch I've ever seen." "Yes, it is a big Son of a b**ch. What should

I do with it?" "Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son

of a b**ch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a b**ch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched

her rosary, "Father!" "It's Okay, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is-a Son of a b**ch

fish!" "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a b**ch?" "Why,

eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste o a Son of a b**ch."

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few

days and that they should fix the Son of a b**ch for his dinner. "I'll even clean the

Son of a b**ch", she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a b**ch for

the new Bishops' dinner." "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset but please watch

your language!" "No, no, no, it's called a Son of a b**ch fish." "Really? Well, in that

case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a b**ch can be the main

course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a b**ch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared

an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop

said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a b**ch!" proclaimed

the proud priest. The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing. "And I cleaned

the Son of a b**ch!" exclaimed the Sister, as the Bishop's eyes widened even more.

The Bishop sat silent in disbelief. The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a b**ch,

using a special recipe!" The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big

smile crept across his face as he said, "You fockers are my kind of people!"

[Blown BA]

A city boy named Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old

farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey to him the next day.

But the next day, the farmer drove up in his old truck and told Kenny, "Sorry, son,

but I have some bad news, the donkey died. Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me

my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just bring me the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna

do with a dead donkey?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said,

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't

tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "So, what happened with

the dead donkey?" Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece

and made a profit of $898.00." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny

replied, "Just the guy who won, so I gave him his $2 back."

[Blown BA]

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then --

to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was

more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all

the time. That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned

off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at

her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but

I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka.

I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we

are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say

this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on

the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with

the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking,"

she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is

serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and

college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have

any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with

the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking

lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The

library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me

that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster

caught my eye.

"Friend is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line.

It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today; a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last

week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking

since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life

just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to

recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today, I registered to vote as a Democrat.

[Scouse]

The UK's Daily mail ran a poll on hopw many women would have an affair with Shane Warne. There were 1437 replies, with 75% saying NOT AGAIN...

[tbearz]

There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past

thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!

What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He

started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll

go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here!

Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened.

The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I

could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do.

I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL : The only logical thing to do.

He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Mary's!

[tbearz]

A little girl: was talking to her teacher about

whales.

The teacher: said it was physically impossible for

a whale to swallow a human because even though

it was a very large mammal its throat was very

small.

The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by

a whale.

Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".

---------------------------------------------------------------

A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows

what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."

[tbearz]

Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Wife: I can't sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Wife: Because I'm Hot.

Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.

Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Wife: You don't love me anymore.

Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)

Husband: Alright, I'll do it.

Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Husband: I can't find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.

Husband: There. Are you satisfied?

Wife: Oh, yes, honey.

Husband: Is it up far enough?

Wife: Oh, that's fine.

Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

[Blown BA]

SEX IN THE DARK

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off

the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She

figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they

were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned

on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent #$%&^*%," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me

all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."