Joke Of The Day

[XRSICKT]

Post your jokes about anything or even something that happened to you that was pretty funny or even something you saw..

City Driving Rules

A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

Turn signals are clues as to your next move. A real city driver never uses them.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going with the flow".

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork when driving in a no-fault insurance state. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your ABS kicks in - giving you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

Construction signs only tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last availabe exit, but before the traffic begins to back up.

The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They're only there to make your city look high-tech and to distract your attention from the police car parked in the median.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

Using an on/off ramp to pass is perfectly acceptable when when freeway traffic drops below 10 m.p.h.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in most metro areas.

Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over, doesn't mean that the driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster if he was in your spot.

Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-highway crews something to clean up.

Everybody thinks his or her vehicle is better than yours, especially pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge, or Chevy logo.

Learn to swerve abruptly. Cities are a great place to learn high-speed slalom driving thanks to state DOT's (Dept. of Transportation), which put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

It is traditional for city drivers to honk their horns at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left and right and left again before proceeding, unless you have side impact airbags and good insurance.

Heavy snows, ice, fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are mother nature's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junk yards and new vehicle sales. After all, we do have our priorities.

Remember that the goal of every city driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

Real female city drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Pedestrians caught in the cross-walk when the light changes are fair game. Besides, if you don't make eye contact with them, they aren't really there.

It is perfectly alright to come to complete stop in the middle of a city street to check an address, especially during rush-hour.

Being elderly and legally blind is no reason to stop driving.

[Falchoon]

My jokes usually get deleted by the mods...

[XR8Chic]

XRSICKT should you save the jokes for your tupperware party..

hehe - just kidding.

[XRSICKT]

XRSICKT should you save the jokes for your tupperware party..

hehe - just kidding.

Hehehe :lol: :lol:

good joke :D

[Dagabond]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Mick says to Paddy; "Dat's Dem". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick. "Put dem in a pepper bag". The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place", says Mick. He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by 'Splat'.

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock Dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin dangerous for me..."

Part Two

A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop

and is carrying the familiar'pepper bag'. He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun. "Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is another 'Splat' and he joins Mick at the bottom of the cliff.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' that parrotshooting oider..."

It gets worse!!!.............

Part Three

After a few minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head "Fock me Sean, first der was Mick wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus

parrotshooting- and now you fockin' hen gliding....."

[Guest]

Two blonds were out shopping, and one of them sees her boyfriend walking in to the local florist. O no she says, John is buying me flowers again. Whats wrong with that says the friend? Well now he'll expect me to lay on my back with my legs in the air all weekend! Friend replys, well, dont you have any vases

[MattB]

This is a photo taken outside the Augusta National Golf course recently. The ladies were there trying to force the course to allow lady members.

The man standing at the back could be the bravest man ever (orange sign). :lol:

[MISSXR]

The mole story.....

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole

to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Gee, all I can smell

is....

Get ready.....

Are you sure you're ready?

You may never forgive me for this one...

MOLASSES!

[Guest Phantom]

Not bad Missxr.

Two blondes walk into a bar...

You would have thought one of them would have seen it.

[Falchoon]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than

on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a

large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and

absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.