Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

I was asked to do a marathon, I said, "Piss off".

They said come on, it's for spastics and blind kids.

I thought, f#$k it, I could win this.

[Dagabond]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on

nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those

conflicting medical studies.

FACTS

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the

Aussies, British or Americans.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the

Aussies, British or Americans.

3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks

than

the Aussies, British or Americans.

4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart

attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and

Suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills

you.

[Turbofalke]

THE BACON TREE

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,

Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.............

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees, a Ham Bush"

[Turbofalke]

I think turbofalke either needs to pay for my counciling or some sort of medievil punishment.

Geea.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Your right Geea, I'm under a lot of stress at the moment.......my job certainly has my blood pressure high and I can't see any light at the end of this tunnel. I'm one of those people who goes a bit wacky when under duress.

I appreciate the careing nature of your offer. When can we start the medievil punishment?

[Blown BA]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied.

"No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that poofter sh*t in our garden" she said

[Blown BA]

A Red Sox fan used to amuse himself by scaring every Yankee fan he saw

>strutting down the street in their obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He would

>swerve his van as if to hit them and then swerve back just missing them.

>

>One day, while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a

>good deed. So, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going

>Father? "I'm going to give mass at St. Francis church, about 2 miles down

>the road," replied the priest. "Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"

>

>The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat and they continued down

>the road.

>

>Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankee fan walking down the road, and he

>instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back

>into the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed

>the guy, he still heard a loud "THUD."

>

>Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but

>still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest and he turned to

>the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankee fan."

>

>"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."

[Blown BA]

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she

used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the

family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test

the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the doctor.

"Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational

speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."

In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

[jEtONiT]

johnno is at his angagement party at his parents home. his old man tells him to get a pair of pants, take his fiance to a bedroom, and tell her to put them on.. johnno takes a pair of pants, and his fiance and goes into a bedroom..

he tells his fiance, betty, to put on the pants.. betty puts on the pants, and she says, "heyy, they dont fit"

johnno replies, "thanks right b*tch, I wear the pants in the house"..

betty then takes off her pants and tells johnno to put them on, and johnno says, "they dont fit, theyre too small"

betty replies, "that's right b*tch, u act like a smart a$$ to me and youre not getting into my pants!!"

[XR6TT]

Here's a few acronyms for F.O.R.D.:

Found On Roadside Dead

f*cked On Race Day

f*cking Old Rusty Dustbin

Factory Ordered Road Disasters

For Only Retarded Drivers

Ford Only Runs Downhill

Found On Railroad Deserted

Fix Or Repair Daily

[Turbofalke]

Here's a few acronyms for F.O.R.D.:

Found On Roadside Dead

f*cked On Race Day

f*cking Old Rusty Dustbin

Factory Ordered Road Disasters

For Only Retarded Drivers

Ford Only Runs Downhill

Found On Railroad Deserted

Fix Or Repair Daily

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I dont find that funny