Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

Camilla is very pleased with the wedding arrangements, but has Turned down the Queen's offer of a weekend in Paris with a car and driver.

[Blown BA]

Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away Her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed And they made passionate love. Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Doreen agreed and again they made love. Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die. "She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his Wife on the shoulder to wake her up "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,"Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

[DallasQLD]

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried. After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem. Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

[saleen]

An aboriginal walks into the local Centrelink office in Broome, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Wats up man... I hate being on the dole. I'd really rather have a job bro."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullsh*tting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

[Cro]

You know you're Aussie when:

1) You've mimicked Alf Stewart from the TV show Home and Away's broad, Australian accent, eg. "push off, ya flamin' drongo!"

2) You've had an argument with your mate over whether Ford or Expensive Daewoo makes the better car.

3) You've done the "hot sand" dance at the beach while running from the ocean back to your towel.

4) You know who Ray Martin is

5) You start using words like 'bloody' and call people 'champ'

6) You stop greeting people with 'hello' and go straight to the "howya doon?"

7) You wear $20 tracksuit pants, but $200 sneakers.

You own, or have owned, a pair of ugh boots

9) You kind of know the first verse to the national anthem, but buggered if you know what 'girt' means.

10) You have a story that somehow revolves around excess consumption of alcohol and have mates named 'Dave' and 'Stevo'.

11) You've been sunburnt - more than five times in your life.

12) You've tried to hang off a clothesline while pretending you

can fly as a kid.

13) You've had a visit to the emergency room after hanging off the clothesline pretending you can fly.

14) You own a pair of thongs for everyday use, and another pair of 'dress thongs' for special occasions. <--- for Bodgy

15) You don't know what's in a meat pie - and you don't care.

16) You pronounce Australia as " Austraya"

17) You call soccer "soccer", not "football"

18) You've squeezed Vegemite through Vita Brits to make little Vegemite worms.

19) You've sucked your coffee through a Tim Tam.

20) You don't care about wearing Speedos.

21) You pledge allegiance to Vegemite over Promite.

22) You understand the value of public holidays.

23) You have a toilet dolly

24) You've played beach cricket with a tennis ball.

25) You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok, and have told a mate in tough times that "You'll be right, mate."

26) You use the phrases, "Yeah mate", or " No worries" at least once a day.

27) You've stayed in a caravan on some holiday.

28) You constantly shorten words to "brekkie", "arvo"

and "barbie"

29) You've adopted a local bar as your own.

30) You know the oath of mateship can never be limited by

geographical distance.

31) You've seen red dirt.

32) You know that VB tastes like s*t, but you drink it anyway.

33) Jatz are not Premiums, and don't ever confuse the two!

34) All your mate's names end in either 'o' or 'y': Davo, Stevo, Johnno, Deano (or Davy, Johnny, Petey, Timmy)...

35) You know what Milo is (and you know that it IS different to Quick)!

36) You know what two-stroke smells like (and you like it).

37) You know that a 4.2 is a 253, and a 4.9 is a 302.

38) You can't understand the attraction with horrors like Dame Edna Average, and Jeanie Little, like the rest of the world.

39) All Aussies are instantly mates when you're overseas.

40) When you hear 'GT', your mind starts thinking letters and numbers (351, XY, 9in, 400bhp, 4-spd)...

[warpac66]

A vampire bat came flaping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got the blood. He told them all to go away and let him get some sleep.

They kept hassling him, persisting on finding out where he got the blood untill finally he gave in.

' Ok Follow me, you annoying night raiders',he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went,accross a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

' Do you see tree over there ?'he asked .

'YES, YES!!!' the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

'Good for you !' said the first bat, 'Because I didn't!!!!

[mickey_gee]

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

[mickey_gee]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while

he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs one of the

billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement,

somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

No, what?"

He just ate the cue ball off my pool table.......whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything

in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate,

then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He

orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the

bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the

monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and

eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

he asks.

"No, What?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out,and ate

it!" said the bartender

”Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that

cue ball, he measures everything first.

[Dagabond]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up. "The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold. "The girl replied, "Here, put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up. "He was surprised but did and it warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Then put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The now excited boyfriend thinking fast said, "Gosh my pen*s is frozen solid" The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a pen*s?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they DEFROST, don't they?"

[Dagabond]

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying

in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."