Joke Of The Day

[Space Ace]

Man goes to see a magic act for the night. When he gets there and takes his seat, the MC comes on stage and advises everyone that the magician is running late, which displeases the audience. The MC then asks the audience “To fill in the time prior to the magician arriving, is there anyone out there that knows any magic tricks?” Our man puts his hand up and the MC invites him to the stage. Man gets up and introduces himself and scans the audience. “Before I begin my act, I will require a lovely assistant” says the man. A buxom blonde puts her hand up and is then invited up on the stage. “The first part of my act is to handcuff my assistant’s wrists to her ankles” says the man. “Now, for my second part of my act is to take off her skirt and underpants” says the man. The MC is now starting to get a bit nervous. “The third part of my act is to take my assistant from behind and pleasure her” says the man. The largely family orientated audience is now in disbelief and the MC has completely lost his temper and approaches the man. “What on earth do you call this?” he asks of our man. “Ooh, Maaaaggggicccc” responds our man.

[aniken]

"Daddy? How did I come into this world?"

"Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you anyway.

"So why not today? Please!"

"OK, but listen carefully."

"Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber cafe. In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick. When dad finished uploading we discovered we used no firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus."

[mbjunior99]

"Daddy? How did I come into this world?"

"Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you anyway.

"So why not today? Please!"

"OK, but listen carefully."

"Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber cafe. In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick. When dad finished uploading we discovered we used no firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

:lol: I love it :lol:

[Dagabond]

What did the Queen give Camilla for a wedding gift?

An all expences paid trip to Paris with Car and Driver....

[Blown BA]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little

ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's *beep*. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar,

I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

[Blown BA]

Bruce and Tom were a couple of drinking buddies, who worked

as aeroplane mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was

fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with nothing to

do.

Bruce said. "man I wish we had something to drink"

Tom said "me too. You know I have heard you can drink jet

fuel and get a buzz. You want to try it?"

So they poured themselves a couple of High Octane Hooch and

got completely smashed. The next morning Bruce wakes up and is

surprised how good he feels. In fact he feels great. No

hangovers!

No bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings......it's Tom.

Tom says "Hey how do you feel this morning?" Bruce says "I

feel great, how about you?" Tom says, "I feel great too. "You

don't have a hangover?"

Bruce says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff. No hangovers,

nothing. We ought to do this more often." Yea, well there's

just one thing......."What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No"

"Well don't, cos I'm in Adelaide."

[Blown BA]

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent,

so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house

counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants,

"in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned

forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest.

Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me $15,000 for my education and I paid

back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

"My dad sued me for the money."

[Dagabond]

Should children witness childbirth? ... What do you think?

With a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old

girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he

helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and

after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his

little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The

paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year

old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly

responded, & quote; "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the

first place. Smack him again."

[Dagabond]

Napisan in the laundry

Dear NapiSan,

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mum told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a tub of Napisan OxyAction with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and then my lawyer said that I would no longer be considered a suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Glad Wrap people...

Signed,

Relieved Menopausal Wife

[mbjunior99]

For those of you who know the suburb of Inala in around Brisbane, I'm sure this will bring a smile to your face:

EARTHQUAKE ROCKS Inala

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the

early hours of this morning, with the epicentre in Inala

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering, "F**kin

ell" and "Whadda carnt". The earthquake decimated the area causing

approximately $30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Torana

Appreciation Society and the Inala  Progress Hall were

damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived.

Brisbane Radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and

bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something

interesting had happened in the area.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said

"It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my

bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept

through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer

the next morning".

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime carried on as

normal.

The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite

to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still

searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal

belongings, which include benefit books, Canterbury shirts, jewellery

from  Priceline and bone china from Woolworths

***************** HOW YOU CAN HELP******************

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for

those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most

sought after. Items most needed include: baseball caps, tracksuit tops

(his and hers), Shell Suits (female), white sport socks, sturdy boots

And any other items usually sold in Op Shops.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include, Fruit Loops, Steve's Kebabs, McDonalds,

KFC, ice cream and cans of Red Bull, Bacardi Breezer, or Special Brew.

If you would prefer to donate money, 25c buys a biro for filling in

the compensation forms; $5.00 buys chips, savaloys and gherkins, crisps

and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9; $10.00 will pay for a packet

of Benson & Hedges and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

PLEASE do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing

is unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas.

********************* BREAKING NEWS*********************

Rescue workers have found a girl in the rubble smothered in blood.

When asked "Where are you bleeding from?" the girl replied "Inala"