Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women won't shut their mouth long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling

at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at

least he'll shut the f*ck up after you let him in.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're gonna

want to shoot it.

[Blown BA]

At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet stretches out

to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified

hand shake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934

Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they then

board an open 17th century coach pulled by six magnificent white

matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each

looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons.

So far everything is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets

fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of

flatulence ever heard in the British Empire and so powerful that it

shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two Dignitaries of State do

their best to ignore the incident. But, embarrassed, the Queen

decides it’s impossible to ignore it.

"Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I’m sure you understand

that there are some things not even a Queen can control."

Ever the Texas gentleman, the President replies, "Your Majesty,

please don’t give the matter another thought. You know, if you

hadn’t said something, I would have thought it was one of the

horses!"

[mk11tute]

what do women and clouds have in common???

eventually they f*ck of and its a great day

[HellionXR6T]

I can relate to that

[Blown BA]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day

he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of

his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The reverend wasn't happy.

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to

the woman.

Mrs. Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of

my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" Sure," she

said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood

up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and

grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their

balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few

moments, the reverend wound up on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her

skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have

any of that carrying on in this pub."

The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't

understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in,

you might as well finish."

[Blown BA]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advancedage, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"

[Blown BA]

69 Sex positions

I was having a discussion with a friend a while back when she claimed there are 69 positions. I felt that in fact there are only 68, and bet her $50, on condition that she prove it. She accepted my bet, and we arranged to set aside the next weekend to settle the matter.

We warmed up in a 69, my favourite number, then got down to serious business. We did it doggy style, we did it several ways in a chair, we did it standing up. We spooned, we did it in full and half lotus, we did the wheelbarrow. We had sex in ways I can't remember, and often we would return to soixante neuf to re-lubricate.

Late Sunday evening we had tried 66 positions, and my friend could not think of any more. She asked me if I could think of any we'd missed, and being a gentleman I replied, "Well, there's head to toe."

She lay on the bed, legs slightly apart, and I got on top, taking a big toe in my mouth to add to her pleasure. Suddenly she remembered the airplane position, and told me to spin slowly like a propeller, maintaining penetration all the while. This eventually brought us into... the missionary position.

[ZAP]

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous

sketch,

"Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm

Thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.

What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a

proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch

movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

[Dagabond]

A construction worker says to the doctor, "I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him, and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him to the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

[Dagabond]

A little kid is at his first wedding, and he says to his mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

His mother says, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The kid says, "So why is the groom wearing black?"