Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

US President George Bush made an official announcement

today regarding his plans for when Gulf War 2 is over.

First on the list was the division of Iraq into three provinces:

Leaded, Unleaded and Diesel.

[Blown BA]

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.

Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?!"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!! You went bowling again!!"

[Dagabond]

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own farking business!"

[Dagabond]

A plumber, an electrician, and an accountant walk into a strip club.

The electrician calls over a blond, licks a ten-dollar bill and slaps it on her ass. The plumber licks a fifty-dollar bill and slaps it on her ass.

The accountant takes out his ATM card, swipes it in the crack of her ass, and grabs the sixty bucks.

[Dagabond]

A guy is driving home when a cop pulls him over.

The cop says, "Have you been drinking?"

The guy says, "Yes, I have."

The cop says, "Please step out of the car."

The guy says, "Why? Don't you believe me?"

[Dagabond]

Q: How do you get a math's teacher pregnant?

A: Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, give her a square root and watch her multiply.

Gawd how old is that...

[Dagabond]

TOP INSURANCE CLAIM FORM GAFFS

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled out of my driveway and hit a bus, this confused me as the bus was five minutes early."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

"A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road."

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind."

"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my *beep* so I lost control."

"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by the arms, and the first slapped me several times across the face. I Knee'd the man in the groin, but didnt connect properly, so I kicked him in the shin."

"I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker."

"No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened."

"Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

[Blown BA]

Two male buddies were walking through the woods when out of no where, a poisons snake came and bit one of the men in the pen*s! The man collapsed to the ground while his friend ran to town to get help. The man arrived at a doctor's office and said help, help, my friend was bit by a snake in the pen*s. The doctor remarked that he couldn't get all his tools to the woods in time to save the friend, so he told him that he would have to suck the venom out of his friend! There has got to be another way said the man and the doctor sighed no I am sorry! The man ran back to the woods and found his poor friends lying on the floor in allot of pain! The man on the floor cried, what did the doctor say? The friend said, he said you're going to die.

[Blown BA]

A man is walking in the grocery store yelling "Crisco, Crisco."

so a clerk walks up and rells him what lane it is in.

He replies "no I am looking for my wife."

"well that is a different name."

"well she hates it when I call her LARD ASS in public."

[Blown BA]

A reporter went to a indian village and was doing a story on natave culture.

she walked up to a brave and asked "why do you have a feather in your hair."

the brave said "Me big brave warrior me F**k one squaw."

next another brave walks by with 6 feathers in his hair. Same Question

"why do you have 6 feathers in you hair?"

Brave replies " Me big brave warrior me F**k six squaws."

next the chief walks by and he has feathers all over the place.

She ask "Whats with all the fearthers."

He amswers "Me Big chief and big brave warrior, Me f**ck all squaws in whole village!"

reporter "OH Dear"

Chief "No deer ass is to high and run to fast!"