Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn

from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him

back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since

it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium,

$14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but

the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any

decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man

answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

[Blown BA]

Mission to Mars

(Space Shuttle with two trained monkeys and a blonde astronaut)

The Mission Control Room in the US calls the Space Shuttle.

"Monkey 1, Monkey 1, report to communications for instructions."

The trained monkey sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.

So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments’ later headquarters calls again: "Monkey 2, Monkey 2,

report to communications for instructions."

Monkey 2 sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation.

Monkey 2 does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Female Astronautl please report to communications for instructions."

The blonde sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says-

"I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch a damn thing."

[Blown BA]

I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in

buying

groceries. I wasn't hungry. The pain of losing my husband was still

too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories. He

often came with me, and almost every time he'd pretend to go off and

look for something special. I knew what he was up to. I'd always

spot him walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his

hands.

He knew I loved yellow roses. With a heart filled with grief, I

only

wanted to buy my few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was

different since he had passed on.

Shopping for one took time, a little more thought than it had for

two. Standing by the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and

remembered how he had loved his steak.

Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and

lovely,

wearing a soft green pantsuit. I w atched as she picked up a large

package of T-bones, dropped them in her basket, hesitated, and then

put them back. She turned to go and once again reached for the pack

of steaks.

She saw me watching her and she smiled. "My husband loves

T-bones,

but honestly, at these prices, I don't know."

I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met her pale blue

eyes.

"My husband passed away eight days ago," I told her. Glancing at

the

package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my voice.

"Buy him the steaks, and cherish every moment you have together."

She shook her head and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she

placed

the package in her basket and wheeled away.

I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the

dairy products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I

should buy. A Quart, I finally decided, and moved on to the ice

cream. If nothing else, I could always fix myself an ice cream cone.

I placed the ice cream in my cart and looked down the aisle

toward

the front. I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty

lady coming towards me. In her arms she carried a package. On her

face was the brightest smile I had ever seen. I would swear a soft

halo encircled her blonde hair as she kept walking toward me, her

eyes holding line.

As she came closer, I saw what she held and tears began misting

in

my eyes. "These are for you," she said and placed three beautiful long

stemmed yellow roses in my arms. "When you go through the line, they

will know these are paid for." She leaned over and placed a gentle

kiss on my cheek, then smiled again. I wanted to tell her what she'd

done, what the roses meant, but still unable to speak, I watched as

she walked away as tears clouded my vision.

I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue

wrapping and found it almost unreal. How did she know? Suddenly the

answer seemed so clear. I wasn't alone.

Oh, you haven't forgotten me, have you? I whispered, with tears

in

my eyes. He was still with me, and she was his angel.

Every day, be t hankful for what you have and who you are.

Please read all of this, it is really nice.

This is a simple request. If you appreciate life, send this to

your

friends, including the person that sent it to you.

Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings.

Thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.

Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as

long

as possible. Thank you, Lord, that I can see. Many are blind.

Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising. Thank you,

Lord,

that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.

Even though the first hour of m y day is hectic, when socks are

lost,

toast is burned, tempers are short, and my children are so loud.

Thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are lonely.

Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures in

magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced. Thank you, Lord, for

the food we have. There are many who are hungry.

Even though the routine of my job often is monotonous. Thank

you,

Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.

Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish

my

circumstances were not so modest. Thank you, Lord, for life.

Pass this on to the friends you know. It might help a bit to

make

this world a better place in which to live, right? A friend is

someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift. A friend is someone

to treasure.

For friendship is a gift. A friend is someone who fills our

lives

with Beauty, Joy and Grace, and makes the world in which we live a

better and happier place.

[deek]

I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in

buying

groceries. I wasn't hungry. The pain of losing my husband was still

too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories. He

often came with me, and almost every time he'd pretend to go off and

look for something special. I knew what he was up to. I'd always

spot him walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his

hands.

He knew I loved yellow roses. With a heart filled with grief, I

only

wanted to buy my few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was

different since he had passed on.

Shopping for one took time, a little more thought than it had for

two. Standing by the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and

remembered how he had loved his steak.

Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and

lovely,

wearing a soft green pantsuit. I w atched as she picked up a large

package of T-bones, dropped them in her basket, hesitated, and then

put them back. She turned to go and once again reached for the pack

of steaks.

She saw me watching her and she smiled. "My husband loves

T-bones,

but honestly, at these prices, I don't know."

I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met her pale blue

eyes.

"My husband passed away eight days ago," I told her. Glancing at

the

package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my voice.

"Buy him the steaks, and cherish every moment you have together."

She shook her head and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she

placed

the package in her basket and wheeled away.

I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the

dairy products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I

should buy. A Quart, I finally decided, and moved on to the ice

cream. If nothing else, I could always fix myself an ice cream cone.

I placed the ice cream in my cart and looked down the aisle

toward

the front. I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty

lady coming towards me. In her arms she carried a package. On her

face was the brightest smile I had ever seen. I would swear a soft

halo encircled her blonde hair as she kept walking toward me, her

eyes holding line.

As she came closer, I saw what she held and tears began misting

in

my eyes. "These are for you," she said and placed three beautiful long

stemmed yellow roses in my arms. "When you go through the line, they

will know these are paid for." She leaned over and placed a gentle

kiss on my cheek, then smiled again. I wanted to tell her what she'd

done, what the roses meant, but still unable to speak, I watched as

she walked away as tears clouded my vision.

I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue

wrapping and found it almost unreal. How did she know? Suddenly the

answer seemed so clear. I wasn't alone.

Oh, you haven't forgotten me, have you? I whispered, with tears

in

my eyes. He was still with me, and she was his angel.

Every day, be t hankful for what you have and who you are.

Please read all of this, it is really nice.

This is a simple request. If you appreciate life, send this to

your

friends, including the person that sent it to you.

Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings.

Thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.

Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as

long

as possible. Thank you, Lord, that I can see. Many are blind.

Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising. Thank you,

Lord,

that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.

Even though the first hour of m y day is hectic, when socks are

lost,

toast is burned, tempers are short, and my children are so loud.

Thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are lonely.

Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures in

magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced. Thank you, Lord, for

the food we have. There are many who are hungry.

Even though the routine of my job often is monotonous. Thank

you,

Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.

Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish

my

circumstances were not so modest. Thank you, Lord, for life.

Pass this on to the friends you know. It might help a bit to

make

this world a better place in which to live, right? A friend is

someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift. A friend is someone

to treasure.

For friendship is a gift. A friend is someone who fills our

lives

with Beauty, Joy and Grace, and makes the world in which we live a

better and happier place.

Your sick George!

Keep that rubbish coming and I will un-subscribe from this thread.

[Blown BA]

Your sick George!

Keep that rubbish coming and I will un-subscribe from this thread.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

:sook:...........

Little Black Riding Hood was getting ready to visit her grandmother her mother said, "You’d better not go out tonight, little black riding hood because the big bad wolf is out and you know what he’ll do. He’ll lift up your little black dress, pull down your little black panties, and screw your little black *beep*. Little Black Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don’t worry mother, "I’ve got it covered." So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little cops. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn’t be out tonight, Little Black Riding Hood!.....The Big Bad Wolf is out and you know what he’ll do if he catches you. He’ll lift up your little black dress, pull down your little black panties, and screw your little black *beep*. She once again pulls out the shotgun and said "Don’t worry boys I got it covered!"….. As she continued on through the forest, she came across the Big Bad Wolf and he said "You shouldn’t have come out tonight, little Black Riding Hood because you know what I am going to do. I’m going to lift up your little black dress, pull down your little black panties, and screw your little black *beep*. She lifts up her little black dress, pulls down her little black panties lays down on her back with her legs apart, points the shotgun at him and says, "Nah, mothaf*cka You’re going to eat me like the book says!......."

[Blown BA]

Three men go to see a show with a hypnotist and after a few hours of hecling the men are invited on stage and put under, after making complete fools of them he tells them that when they wake in the morning they will have to do what their partners tell them. Next morning two of the men meet up,one man tells the other that after spilling water in the bed his wife said flood the house why dont you wich is what he did. funny says his mate I dropped ash in the bed and my wife said burn the house down why dont you so I did. After coming to the conclusion it was the hypnotist they visit the third friend who answers the door coverd in blood . What the hells happend they ask well replies the man like always this morning I put my hand in the wifes knickers and she said you can cut that out........

[Blown BA]

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner."This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breas*s. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

[XR6_ED]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the

words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the

testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and

asked loudly,

"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband

didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for

several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen

who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with

men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a

variety of sweets and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the

boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,

"No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned

beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me

forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust

and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start

behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as

threatening,

"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you

kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the

tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my

dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last

thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I

was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Hungry Jacks for a quick

lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my hamburger, I smelled something funny, so of course I

checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I

asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh

Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with

me."

Then I said, Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he

replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the

smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you

have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his

cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly

choked to death on their lunches

laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made

me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of New South Wales laughing for 2 days and a very

embarrassed female news reader who will, in the future, likely think

before she speaks.

What happens when you predict rain but don't get any...A true story...

We had a female news reader that, the day after it was supposed to

have rained and didn't, turned to the weatherman and

asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they

were laughing so hard!

[Blown BA]

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.

The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."

And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to f_ck the cat."

[Blown BA]

A little indian goes up to the chief and asks "Chief how do we get our names?"

the chief answers "Well when a new baby is born when I wake up I look outside my teepee and the first thing I see will be the babies name. just like right now I will name a baby soaring eagle. So do you have any other questions TWO DOGS F**KING?"