Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

One Thanksgiving a friend and I were walking down a main street in Albany when a man comes up to me and gives me a turkey and says, "Happy Thanksgiving!"

Without hesitation my friend knocks him out. I asked my friend why he punched the nice man. My friend said, "He gave you the bird!"

[Blown BA]

A man goes into a repair shop to get his watch fixed. But when he sees that the girl running the store is extremely hot, he unzips his pants and lays his johnson on the counter.

Sir, what are you doing? This is a clock shop! the shocked girl shouts.

I know, he replies. I'd like to get a pair of hands and a face put on this.

[Blonk]

Read .Doc first then cricket 1 reply

Cricket_Australia_application.doc

[Blown BA]

A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!"

[Blown BA]

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now get some rest and let the poison work."

[Blown BA]

A Canadian girl is visiting the USA for the first time in her life...

She walks into a bar and decides she'd like a beer. She walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a beer, eh"

The bartender replys, "Anheiser Busch?"

She says, "Not bad, Thanks, Hows your Dink?"

[Redhawk]

Rectum Stretcher.

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit) a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we

all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot as*hole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs. $45.00

The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

[CHIPS]

A man goes into a repair shop to get his watch fixed. But when he sees that the girl running the store is extremely hot, he unzips his pants and lays his johnson on the counter.

Sir, what are you doing? This is a clock shop! the shocked girl shouts.

I know, he replies. I'd like to get a pair of hands and a face put on this.

:lol: :lol:

[Dagabond]

Monkey Organization

Any organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

[Blown BA]

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during

our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left,

I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little

boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make

contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me.

I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot

of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about

looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as

one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is

what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in

the eyes and breas*s of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're

not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought

her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the

depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only

youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just

a perfect body. *beep* like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't

quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by

this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our

lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in

this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better

person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive

Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't

know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about

a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so

drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty,

shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss.

Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same

because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing

feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without

you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn

lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna.

She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I

didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know,

we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in

the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does

when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the

kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your

grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it,

right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me

sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the

mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we

never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I

mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her

shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.

She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in

general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about

happier times.

Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think

of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about

makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal

thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you

about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness

between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside

your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true,

Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start

over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we

can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the remote is?

Love, Dave