Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

Want to know if you're, or someone you know is a gentleman?

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:

a) Lovemaking

b) Screwing

c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship

b) Your blood-test results

c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first

b) You both climax simultaneously

c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Healthy, creative love-play

b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to

c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) The best part of the experience

b) The second best part of the experience

c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours

b) Not a problem - she can join your gym

c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) A myth

b) An oxymoron

c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Appetizer is to entree

b) Priming is to painting

c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."

b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."

c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy

b) Is uptight and a waste of time

c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

[Dagabond]

Prison vs. Work

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own loot. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.

[Dagabond]

Office Inspirational Posters

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

Stealing one idea is plagiarism. Stealing a lot of ideas is research.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

[Blown BA]

A man pulls a women in a bar and to his great joy she asks him for a lift home with the promise of sex in his car.He pulls the car into a dark lane bends her over and does the do. Pleased with his effort he sits back only to be told she wants more,gathering his wits he goes again only to be told she still wants more.

She agrees to give him 2 minutes before his third attempt so he steps out for some air . Outside he sees a man changing his wheel aproaching him he explains about the women and agrees to change the tyre if the man satisfies the woman.

The secound man finds the women still bent over and proseeds to pleasure her when a police officer shines his torch in the car and asks the man what he thinks he is doing.

"Making love to my wife " he replies to which the officer asks why dont you do it at home '

"because I didnt know it was my wife till you shined your torch in!"he replies

[Blown BA]

So there is this guy sitting at this classy pub on the fifth floor of a building. He doesnt say anything, or do much up until he all of a sudden get up, runs really fast and jusmp out a window. everyone is in a panic thinking he had killed himslef until he comes flying back through the window. As he goes to sit down, a pair of guys come up to him. astonished at seeing this, they ask him how he did it. So the man explains to him that to do this "you must do it exsacty every ten minutes and thiry seconds apart, and only when the wind is right." So the first man waits for ten minutes and looks around, asks the man if the wind is right. Being told that it is, he runs as fast as he can, jumps out the window, and plummits to his death.

His friend then asks what the mans problem is and he tell him that "his friends was a crack dealer to children." "oh" say the second guy and asks him if he would be honest with him in tell if the wind was right. the man says yes and reminds him that it has been ten minutes so he better get ready. same as the first. running start, big leap, falls to his death. seeing this the bartender, angry that this guy is killing his clients walks up and tell the man, "You know you are a real as*hole when you have been drinking Superman."

[Blown BA]

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there.

Can't in this case...

[Turbofalke]

ONE LINERS FROM COMEDIAN STEVE WRIGHT

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I spilled spot remover on my dog....now he's gone.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a b**ch to fold it.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I relaxed in front of the fire for the evening in ten minutes.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK."

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" --

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I had amnesia once or twice.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

What are imitation rhinestones?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I bought some Powdered water, but didn't know what to add

[aniken]

Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall. Like dogs do, it raised it's leg and started to do his thing.

The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and relieved himself.

One guy says to the other, "Wow, how did you teach him that?"

The second man replies, "I didn't teach him. He's done it ever since the wall fell on him!"

[Blonk]

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes.

They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting. 51 days, 51 days, 51 days

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. 51 days, 51 days, 51 days. Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. 51 days, 51 days, 51 days.

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture

under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high fives, all the while chanting 51 days, 51 days, 51 days.

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the "Cookie Monster."

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes. "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us, so we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in

51 days'".

[Blown BA]

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart "cookie", wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes