Joke Of The Day

[aniken]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. " You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done f*** all but moan since you've been here.

[aniken]

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, please try again later.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy

[Blown BA]

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

[Blown BA]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[Blown BA]

Why Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last

name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take

care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You

can be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear

a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to

a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world

is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas

station restroom because this one is just too icky. You

don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a

bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding

dress $5000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your

chest when you're talking to them. The occasional

well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes

don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood - all the

time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You

know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can

open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the

slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to

invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your

underwear is $8.95 for three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are

more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in

public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same

hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to

shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your

life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and

one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can

"do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of

choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas

shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

[aniken]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet storeowner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." he woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Steve, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Steve."

[Blown BA]

One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter stopped him and asked if he could watch the gates whilst he went to the loo.

Jesus agreed and began letting people in. After a few minutes he saw a stooped old man approaching. He was so old that he could barely walk, and his white beard ran down to the floor.

When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help

but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there.

"I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet," said the old man.

Jesus stares curiously at the wisened figure before him, "Father...?" he asked.

The old man looks at Jesus and says,

"Pinocchio...?"

[Blown BA]

After months of plucking up courage, Tony decides to take a parachute jump.

But after leaping out of the tiny Cessna aircraft, he pulls the ripcord and nothing happens. Alarmed, he pulls his reserve chute cord , and again, nothing happens. As he's plummeting towards earth , and certain death , he spots another man shooting upwards at rapid speed.

'Do you know anything about parachutes?' cries Tony, as the man passes him.

'No,' comes the reply. 'Do you know anything about gas cookers?'

[Blown BA]

Two irish men are going down the street, one digs a hole the second fills it in. They carry on down the street and again one digs a hole and the second fills it in.

A passer by is bemused by this and goes over to the Irish men and asks them "What on earth is going on?". One of the Irishman replies saying, "Our mate who plants the trees is off ill today."

[JB]

I decided that I needed a few days off and realized that I had run out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy, thinking he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the next day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde-it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."

A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out.

My blonde coworker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said.