Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

[Turbo6man]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree

[Dagabond]

A Letter From Barbie

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct;

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct;

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done;

6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a Buyer at Ford Motor Company for goodness sake!

8. A new, more '90s look. "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum; Or "Divorce Barbie" and package me with all of Ken's belongings.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly, Barbie

Dreamhouse Malibu, CA

*Ken's Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices.

I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the b**ch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken?" In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken" "Green Lantern Ken" "Circuit Ken" "Bear Ken" "Master Ken." These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.

And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the b**ch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine.

Sincerely,

Ken

[Blown BA]

BODY MEETING :

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The as*hole is usually in charge !!

[Blown BA]

Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?

The old lady b**ches cause I work late at night.

The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,

They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits

They want the impossible--Those mean little sh*ts

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,

They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,

I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

Merry Christmas

and a Happy

New Year

[Blown BA]

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.

Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming

"WOO HOO - what a ride!"

Have an amazing day!

[Cro]

Dear Employees

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals within

the company have been using foul language during the course of normal

conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some

employees who may be easily offended, this type of Language will no longer

be tolerated.

We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately

express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list

of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that the

proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective

manner.

1) TRY SAYING:

"I think you could use more training."

INSTEAD OF:

"You don't know what the f___ you're doing do you?"

2) TRY SAYING:

"She's an aggressive go-getter isn't she?"

INSTEAD OF:

"She's a ball-busting b___h."

3) TRY SAYING:

"Perhaps I can work late."

INSTEAD OF:

"And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?"

4) TRY SAYING:

"I'm certain that isn't feasible."

INSTEAD OF:

"No f_____'n way!"

5) TRY SAYING:

"Really?"

INSTEAD OF:

"You've got to be sh__ing me!"

6) TRY SAYING:

"Perhaps you should check with..."

INSTEAD OF:

"Tell someone who gives a sh__."

7) TRY SAYING:

"I wasn't involved in that project."

INSTEAD OF:

"It's not my f______ problem."

TRY SAYING:

"That's interesting."

INSTEAD OF:

"What the f___?"

9) TRY SAYING:

"I'm not sure this can be implemented."

INSTEAD OF:

"This sh__ won't work."

10) TRY SAYING:

"I'll try to schedule that in for you."

INSTEAD OF:

"Why the h___ didn't you tell me sooner?"

11) TRY SAYING:

"He's not familiar with the issues."

INSTEAD OF:

"He's got his head up his a__."

12) TRY SAYING:

"Excuse me, sir?"

INSTEAD OF:

"Eat sh__ and die."

13) TRY SAYING:

"So you weren't happy with it?"

INSTEAD OF:

"Kiss my a__."

14) TRY SAYING:

"I'm a bit overloaded at the moment."

INSTEAD OF:

"F___ off, I don't have time."

15) TRY SAYING:

"I don't think you understand."

INSTEAD OF:

"Shove it up your a___."

16) TRY SAYING:

"I love a good challenge."

INSTEAD OF:

"This job sucks!"

17) TRY SAYING:

"You want me to take care of that do you?"

INSTEAD OF:

"Who the f___ died and made you boss?"

1 TRY SAYING:

"He's somewhat insensitive."

INSTEAD OF:

"He's a pr_ck!"

Thank You,

The Management Team

[JB]

got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!

I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!

She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...

...so I told her to f*ck off.

[JB]

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks", the girl says.

The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's *beep*.

"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren

[Blown BA]

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his

father, "Dad, how many kinds of breas*s are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds

of breas*s.

In her twenties, a women's breas*s are like melons, round and

firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but

hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum,

how many kinds of willies are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and

answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and

hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!