Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

Golf - Genie In A Bottle

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf

course, lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee the husband said "Honey, be careful when you drive the ball; don't knock out any windows. It'll cost a fortune to get them fixed."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses.

OK, lets go up and apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come in."

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the ones that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie and have

been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes---I'll give you each one, and keep the last one for myself."

"Oh, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem, it's the least I could do. And you, what is your wish?" the genie asked the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world." she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish?" the husband asked.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those homes, honey; I guess it's o.k."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After he'd finished he rolled over and asked, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35", she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing."

[Blown BA]

IQ Test

Read the questions carefully, they appear simple but when you go through the answers you will fail!

Try this one! You will be amazed at the number you get wrong!! There are 10 questions, so you should be able to answer them all in 10 minutes.

Don't look at the answers found at the end of this document, that would be cheating! Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference!

Intelligence Test

Some months have 30 days,some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?

If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken?

I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awaken by the alarm?

Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?

A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?

If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first?

A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear?

Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have?

How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?

If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburgh to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver?

Answers further down - no cheating now!GOOD LUCK!

Answers:

All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.

1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock,then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock,they will be taken in 1 hour.

1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.

70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.

9 live sheep.

The match.

White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.

2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES,YOU TAKE 2,WHAT DO YOU HAVE?

None. It was Noah, not Moses.

YOU are the driver.

Grading Scale (out of 10)

8 Engineer

7 Student

6 High school pupil

5 Primary school pupil

4 Teacher

3 College lecturer

2 University lecturer

1 Member of Congress

[Blown BA]

Love and Marriage

HE SAID:

Q: Why are brides dressed in white?

A: So they match the rest of the appliances.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can

spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage is a three ring circus:

engagement ring

wedding ring

suffering

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.

After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two

girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.

In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.

They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage?

A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get

married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son,

I'm still paying for it."

A couple was having a discussion about family finances.

Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house

wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your

money, I wouldn't be here."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it

because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months

yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he

motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know

what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got

fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were

there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house,

you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by

my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say

to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He

thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, in the morning when he

and his wife are eating breakfast, he says to his wife,

"Pass the bacon, Pig."

SHE SAID:

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about

something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the

wrong finger? Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

You can fool some of the people all of the time.

They're called "men".

THEY SAID:

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be

late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,

the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman

speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and

the neighbors listen.

[XR6_ED]

[XR6_ED]

[XR6_ED]

[XR6_ED]

[ktford]

What do you call 5000 white fellas chasing two darkies?

The P.G.A. tour

Scotty

[Blown BA]

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, huh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

[Blown BA]

Three couples went to dinner: American couple,polish couple,and a french couple. At the table the french guy says to his wife''can u pass me the sugar, sugar?'' Then the american guy says to his wife ''can u pass me the honey, honey?'' So then the polish guy says to his wife ''can u pass me the pork, pig''