Joke Of The Day

[aniken]

Now one for Ken

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him > and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

[Blown BA]

There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman

2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

After one month, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on b**ching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them 'bloody wankers".

One New Zealand man is having sex with the New Zealand woman, the other Kiwi is searching the island for sheep.

The Irish divided the island into North and South and immediately set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.

[Blown BA]

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

"Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and sliped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel of the skin and flush it down the toilet.

[Blown BA]

There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"

He says "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"

"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"

"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"

"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"

"You know I don't have a date, Sis."

"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?"

Her brother nods. She continues, "So we should go with each other." The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he will take her to the prom.

Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday.

At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.

"Hey, brother, let's dance."

He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"

"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?"

"Oh . . . all right."

So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.

In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, "Let's not go straight home."

He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."

He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says "Want to find some place to park?"

"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!"

"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us-- how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"

So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.

"Hey . . . " she says.

"What?"

"Why don't you kiss me?"

"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!" And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.

She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."

"Do what!," said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind.

"You know what," his sister replied.

"I can't do that with you, you're my . . . " His voice trailed off.

While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad."

"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me..."

[Dagabond]

New Contract For Santa

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the current, overwhelming population of Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your choldren will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that choldren leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . . " when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you are also likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh has a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The last I heard, the sleigh also had other decorations on back as well. One is Ford logo with lights that race through the letters, and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as Miracle on 34th Street and It's a Wonderful Life will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead, you'll see Boss Hogg Saves Christmas and Smokey and the Bandit IV featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kods turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will include Mark Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," and "Grandma Got Run'd Over By a Reindeer."

Sincerely, Santa Clause (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

[Blown BA]

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your *beep* to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the *beep*."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck"

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your *beep* up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[Blown BA]

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fangless, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:

TORNIQUET: Do not apply a torniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

MILKING THE SNAKE:

1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.

4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

[Blown BA]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffkkkkuuccccinggg ttthingggg offffff?

[Blown BA]

A doctor is doing routine breast examinations at a college . The first girl comes in, takes off her blouse, and as she does, the doctor notices that the girl has a red "H" imprinted in her stomach. After the examination, the doctor asks the girl how the H came about. "Well," she says, "my boyfriend is from Harvard, and he's so proud of the school that he never takes off his Harvard jumper, even when we make love."

'Fair enough' thinks the doctor as the girl leaves. But the doctor is surprised when the next girl takes off her blouse and has the same thing, except hers is a red "Y". again the doctor asks how it came about. "Well," she says, "my boyfriend is from Yale, and he's so proud of the school that he never takes off his Yale jumper, even when we make love."

The doctor is fascinated by this. The next girl enters, takes off her blouse

and the doctor sees that on her stomach is a red M.

"Ah, " says the doctor, "A boyfriend in Michigan?"

"No," replies the girl, "A girlfriend in Wisconsin. why do you ask?"

[Blown BA]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to your brains out, and suck your *beep* dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."