Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

Three door-to-door vacuum-cleaner salesmen show up at a farmhouse one afternoon and the kindly farmer agreed to buy a vacuum from each if they'll keep their hands off his *VIRGINAL* daughter while he's at the bank getting the money. But when he gets back, he finds *ALL* *THREE* on top of his daughter. Irate, he fires a shotgun blast over their heads, marches them out to the garden and tells them each to pick TEN of any fruit or vegetable.

The first salesman comes forward with ten peas. "Shove them up you ass," orders the farmer. The second guy turns up with ten tomatoes and gets the same order. He has some trouble getting them in, especially as he keeps cracking up with laughter, but finally gets the job done. "You're free to go," the farmer says to him, "but do you mind if I ask what's SO damn funny?"

Collapsing with laughter once again, the salesman says, "The third bloke's still out there, picking WATERMELONS."

[Blown BA]

Did you hear about the trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill as was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman making love in the center of the highway? He blew his airhorn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road and yelled, 'What's the hells the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!'

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned looked up and said, 'Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.'

[Blown BA]

There is a man sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping the shells off and throwing them out of the window. He has eaten a few when the woman opposite says "Would you mind not doing that, its disgusting to watch". He says "Listen love, its got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I want on this train" and he carries on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns.

Finally he finishes the bag and settles back to have a sleep. The woman then starts knitting - all the man can hear whilst hes trying to sleep is the incessant clicking of knitting needles.

After 15 minutes he sits up and says to the woman "Could you stop that noise - cant you see I'm trying to sleep?" "Its got nothing to do with you" replies to woman "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train" At that, the man grabs the woman's knitting needles and throws them out of the train.

The woman gets up and pulls the alarm cord. the man laughs "Ha Ha, you'll get fined £200 for that" To which the woman replies "And you'll get 6 years when the police smell your fingers"

[Turbo6man]

There is a man sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping the shells off and throwing them out of the window. He has eaten a few when the woman opposite says "Would you mind not doing that, its disgusting to watch". He says "Listen love, its got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I want on this train" and he carries on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns.

Finally he finishes the bag and settles back to have a sleep. The woman then starts knitting - all the man can hear whilst hes trying to sleep is the incessant clicking of knitting needles.

After 15 minutes he sits up and says to the woman "Could you stop that noise - cant you see I'm trying to sleep?" "Its got nothing to do with you" replies to woman "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train" At that, the man grabs the woman's knitting needles and throws them out of the train.

The woman gets up and pulls the alarm cord. the man laughs "Ha Ha, you'll get fined £200 for that" To which the woman replies "And you'll get 6 years when the police smell your fingers"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

PHEEEEEWWWWW ...

[Turbo6man]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Ireland. Search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[aniken]

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a mobile phone.

He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."!

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Woolworth's?"

[aniken]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took

place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in our house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear sun-block."

[aniken]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over.

Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door.

In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said.... "Monica, you're free to go!"

[aniken]

One for Mack

Two fish go to a film. While they are waiting for it to start, a prawn and a lobster "walk" in with a large container of popcorn. One fish says to the other fish, "If I asked them nicely, do you think that they would give us some popcorn?" The other fish said, "No, I don't think so, they're two shellfish"

[aniken]

Grandpappy and Grandma were discussin' their fiftieth wedding anniversary when she said, "Shall I kill a chicken tonight?"

"Naw", said Grandpappy. "Why blame a bird for somethin' that happened fifty years ago?"