Joke Of The Day

[JB]

This is an actual job application that a 75 year

old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.

They hired him because he was so funny.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right

woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice

President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I

was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying

here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock

options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If

that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management

hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible

collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday,Tuesday,

and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but

they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had

one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD

PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate

question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR

RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the

Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell

me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb

sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest

thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be

doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND

COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

[JB]

What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Techincal Manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,

and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,

And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,

Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,

Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,

That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,

And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,

Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,

Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

[Blown BA]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied:

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

[Blown BA]

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left.Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

[Blown BA]

Three boys taking sex ed get thier grades. The first gets a D+. The second gets a D-. The third gets a F.

so the first one says "we should get her."

the second says "we should grab her."

the third say "Yeah and kick her in the nuts!"

[Blown BA]

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City

restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated

there are furiously masturbating.

She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We are all

velly velly hungry."

The waitress asks, "So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the

restaurant going to help that situation?"

One of the other Japanese men replies,

"The menu say, First Come, First Served!"

Q. What's the definition of eternity?

A. The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.

[Guest]

I actually laughed at the ghost one :spoton:

vik

[FPV 521]

Q:If a man and woman are sitting on two seperate chairs why does the woman appear to sit higher than the man?

A: Because she is sitting on a box.

[Blown BA]

A Norwegian is applying for a job. Here's your first question, the foreman said. Without using numbers, represent the number 9.

"Without numbers?", the Norwegian says. "Dat is easy.", and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?", the boss asks.

'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine.", says the Norwegian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "'Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Norwegian stares into space some more, picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "`Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred. So when I start?"

[Blown BA]

Q: What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?

A: Militia Etheridge