Joke Of The Day

[JB]

:Questions and answers about women

Q. Why did God give men penises?

A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?

A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your check.

Q. How is a woman like a laxative?

A. They both irritate the sh*t out of you.

Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?

A. It's Braille for "suck here".

Q. Why do men die before their wives?

A. They want to.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?

A. Lipstick.

Q. Why do women have ?

A. So men will talk to them.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?

A. You come in one and go in the other.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?

A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?

A. Money.

Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?

A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?

A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?

A. Ten minutes of silence.

[Blown BA]

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks sweetly.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you?

Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself...

"Well, I guess it's that time of the month!"

[Blown BA]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,

"Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,

"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know -

you left your *beep* running..."

[Blown BA]

A woman walks into a veterinarian's waiting room dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit obviously does not want to be there.

"Sit, Fluffy!" she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed.

Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, - "Darn it, Fluffy, will you be good?!"

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:

"Please pardon me... I just washed my hare, and can't do a damn thing with it!"

[XR6_ED]

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicon, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should

see all the sports cars outside our house!"

[Guest]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,

"Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,

"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know -

you left your *beep* running..."

How in the *beep* does injuin get beeped???

vik

[ducatijb]

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Bankstown and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Bulldogs fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Bulldogs fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says:

"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked:

"Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Roosters fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Roosters fan?"

Because my mum and dad are from Bondi, and my mum is a Roosters fan and my dad is a Roosters fan, so I'm a Roosters fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Roosters fan You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your brother was car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."

[Falchoon]

20 Things I Bet You Didn't Know!!

1. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself. (YUCK!)

2. The dot over the letter "I" is called a tittle. (I wonder where they got the inspiration for that?)

3. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. (Who leaves champers in their glass long enough to find out?)

4. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate

(I know some people like that!)

5. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

6. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (I knew it!)

7. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

8. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.

9. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was never a recorded Wendy before.

10. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo

11. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)

12. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

13. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than our thumb. (WHAT???)

14. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. (GOOD FACT TO REMEMBER??)

15. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin Look-a-like contest.

16. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

17. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".

18. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

19. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. (Not to mention the other drawbacks to farting in such a confined space....)

20. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!! (Holy incredible facts Batman!)

[Macktheknife]

14. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. (GOOD FACT TO REMEMBER??)

Must remember to try this one next time I'm deep in s h I t.

[Blown BA]

Q: After their first time having sex together, what was the first thing Bill Gates' wife said to him?

A: "Now I see why you'll call you company Microsoft."