Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

Zen Quotes

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,

for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and

leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a

flat tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your

neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be

promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a

warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities

without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of

car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their

shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,

and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was

probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put

it back in your pocket.

20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and

it holds the universe together.

[Dagabond]

Fun .sig files ( & other thoughts)

As far as I know, Intel has no official opinion on Green Lantern continuity and other such matters... so any opinions expressed are simply my own (and they are the correct opinions, I might add).

i know i'm a bad speller, don't waste FlameWidth pointing out old news intel agrees with this, but not necessarly anything above the line.

[Rick Busdiecker's plan file, Michael.Mauldin@G.GP.CS.CMU.EDU, and Christopher Garrigues <7thSon@SPAR.SLB.COM>, along with those named above, were each responsible for bringing this message one step closer to you, but the gruesome electronic mail details have been suppressed. Ed]

The opinions above are solely those of a 12 year old hacker who has broken into my account, and not those of my employer or any other organization.

Should the opinions expressed above be those of someone else besides the author.. Well.. it ain't my fault.

"Opinions expressed herein were not mine originally, but were forced on me at gunpoint by the Interactive Systems Corporation"

Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing. [my employers certainly have no idea]

Richard Harter, SMDS Inc. [Disclaimers not permitted by company policy.] [i set company policy.]

"The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my employer, not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary."

The opinions in this article are my own, and not those of the voices which tell me what to do.

DISCLAIMER: All grammatical and spelling errors are inserted deliberately to test the software I am developing. In fact, that is the only reason I am posting. Yeah, that's the ticket! All my postings are just test data! Yeah!!

Disclaimer: the above is the author's personal opinion and is not the opinion or policy of his employer or of the little green men that have been following him all day.

Disclaimer: The views of my employer do not conform to my views, or to any accepted standard of logic that the Greeks thought up anyway...

-- Disclaimer: These aren't mere opinions... these are *values*.

My opinions! Do you hear? MINE! Not JPL's.

This is not an official statement of Hewlett-Packard Corp., and does not necessarily reflect the views of HP. It is provided completely without warranty of any kind. Lawyers take 3d10 damage and roll a saving throw vs. ego attack.

Disclaimer: All opinions herein are fictitious, any similarity to real opinions, living or dead, is coincidental.

DISCLAIMER: My opinion is a poor thing, but mine own. Any similarity to any others' opinion, living or dead, is coincidental.

The facts expressed here belong to everybody, the opinions to me. The distinction is yours to draw...

The facts expressed here belong to everybody, the opinions to me. Now, who among us can tell the difference? RSD@sei.cmu.edu

Disclaimer: "The above opinions are those of a large rodent with sharp teeth"

Please note that these are my own private opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of Xerox Corporation. Actually, I cannot tell a lie, they are not my opinions at all, they are the opinions of the little green men who come out of the walls at night and stick wires in my head.

Opinions (as above) are like noses: everyone has one, and most smell.

Disclaimer: Anything not explicitly labeled as fact is my own opinion.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." -- Philip K. Dick

"It was unintelligible at any speed we played it." -- A US Government report investigating possible bad words in "Louie Louie"

"Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill."

"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question.... ....or is it?"

It brings to mind Alan Gopin's generic comment, "It seems to be vague, but is in fact meaningless."

"Yes, my name is Stewart, and I assure you I can speak, And lately I find myself astounded at the sort of company you keep.../ One thing further I must mention, of this fact I cannot understand/ Is your sensational attention at annoying me with your hand." -- Stewie

.... Any queuing system is prone to breakage, and mail systems are written to be as paranoid as possible in an effort to prevent this. Automated paranoia makes for big programs.

How can angels fall asleep when the devil leaves his porch light on?

[Did you ever think about how much your cities actually weigh?

To search for perfection is all very well, But to look for heaven is to live here in hell.

....Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

.... I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'M fishing.

"What I do is not so much songs as it is exercises in tonal breath control"

when a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. - GB Shaw

"He who hesitates is lunch"

"Computer Science Considerations"-- BYTE 2/86. An interview with the developer of TEX and METAFONT, Donald Knuth: "I was excited that I started out trying to apply computer science to typography and wound up applying typography to computer science. . ."

"We could always shoot one of the philosophers." - David Gries

If I can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I thought.

remember, if you do it yourself, sooner or later you'll need a bigger hammer

"Pass me the Rap Rod, Plate Captain" "What?" "Pass me the telephone, waiter. If you guys were any less hip, your bums would fall off."

"Watch while the queen in one false move turns herself into a pawn"

The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do -- McCloctnik the Lucid

"I am sitting in the smallest room in the house. I have your letter [review] before me. Soon it will be behind me." - Max Reger (1873-1916), a composer whose music is still little known outside of his native Germany.

I'm growing older but not up... - Jimmy Buffett

"Therefore the younger a guitar is the less stable it is while the older a guitar is the more stable it becomes. This is essentially because it takes quite a while for a guitar neck to realize that it is no longer part of a tree."

"They're directly beneath us, Moriarty. Release the piano!"

"Not looking like Pascal is not a language deficiency!"

At once words appeared on the screen: "Hello. My name is Hank Thoro II. Please type your name." "My whole name?" he typed. "Good. Do you like baseball? Just type Y for Yes or N for No." --- from "Roderick" by John Sladek

Epigram: Ada is the 400-pound gorilla of programming languages.

Remember Knuth: "premature optimization is the root of all evil."

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro!

Standard are industry's way of codifying obsolescence.

"Do not be angry with me if I tell you the truth." -- Socrates "Tell the Truth and run."--Yugoslav proverb

If you find any *answers* in anything I've said, you've misunderstood me.

"People who are incapable of making decisions are the ones who hit those barrels at freeway exits."

I love music that sounds like a Conrail locomotive caraeening headlong into a truckload of Harpsichords.

``There's a fine line between an attitude problem and thinking clearly''

"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

If I had had more time, I could have written you a shorter letter. -Blaise Pascal

Ignorance is the Mother of Adventure.

`uncontrolled descents into terrain'

"You got it kid -- the large print giveth and the small print taketh away."

Kaden thought of the old Klingon proverb. "Fool me once, shame on you: fool me twice, prepare to die."

these opinions and others like them are widespread in the culture

I feel like a genocidal maniac when emacs asks me if I want to kill 10789 characters.

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."

"Hi... My name is Hobbes. I'm the product of a malicious 5-year old's twisted and destructive imagination. Would YOU like to be my friend?"

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

PEART says: "How can anyone be truly enlightened, when the truth is so poorly lit?"

However paranoid you are, you're probably right.

inquiring gnomes want to mine!

"Somebody's had too much to think"

"If the only tool you have is a hammer, all problems begin to look like nails."

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. -- Mark Twain

Don't run faster than your shoes. -- Scottish saying

"Do not adjust you mind, it is reality that is malfunctioning."

"To get to the meat of the matter, I will come right to the point, and take note of the fact that the heart of the issue in the final analysis escapes me."

"I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary decent people are fed up in this country of being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am."

Anything's possible, but only a few things actually happen.

Life is complex. It has real and imaginary parts.

"to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight and never stop fighting." - e. e. cummings

Popular consensus says that reality is based on popular consensus.

"If you see this boy", said the ballerina, "do not---I repeat, do not---attempt to reason with him." Rich Rosen pyuxd!rlr

[Dagabond]

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__

B. Minor__

C. Minor__

D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__

B. Frozen__

C. Hung__

D. Strange Smell__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix

it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem

occurred?

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in?

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__

[Dagabond]

Top 10 Signs that You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web

10. Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?"

9. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 1.1" on one of the clouds.

8. You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.

7. You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.

6. One of your best friends is Mirsky, and you've never met him.

5. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button.

4. You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.

3. Your dog has his own Webpage.

2. So does your hamster.

And the number 1 sign that you have overdosed on the World Wide Web:

1. When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

[pym]

Anyone care to post something funny ?, unlike the recent drivel ?

[God666]

Hey Dagabond,

Don't feel compelled to reproduce the entire contents of the WWW in this thread.

[Falchoon]

Hey Dagabond,

Don't feel compelled to reproduce the entire contents of the WWW in this thread.

He's just giving BlownBA a break and trying to catch up to Ken in the post wh0re rankings :lol:

[Blown BA]

He's just giving BlownBA a break and trying to catch up to Ken in the post wh0re rankings  :lol:

You wouldn't know what a wh0re is

Edited 30/09/04 07:47 AM by Blown BA

[Blown BA]

One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends.

Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.

He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K." She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."

[Blown BA]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall

>

>He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

>

>The cop asked, "What's he like?"

>

>The little boy replied, "Crown Royal, and women with big *beep*".