Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo *beep*? A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.

7. What is a *beep* dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.

8. What do you call a *beep* with long fingers? Well Hung.

9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint.

10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.

11. What did the *beep* vampire say to her partner? See you next month.

12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

13. How can you tell a tough *beep* bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

14. Do you know what drag is? It's when a man wears everything a *beep* won't.

15. What do you call *beep* twins? Lick-a-likes.

16. How can you tell if a *beep* is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

17. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a *beep*? One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

[stardust]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*t and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[turbotom]

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Talking Clock", the man replied.

"How does it work?", asked the guest.

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f**cking morning!"

******************************************

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache".

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my d*ck with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!

******************************************

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,

"I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man; she fakes it with Ken."

******************************************

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says,

"Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get t*ts too."

******************************************

Scientists today exhumed Beethoven from his grave, and when they opened the coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards.

When asked what this meant a spokesman said he was "de-composing".

******************************************

Foxtel have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo.

Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View.

******************************************

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day.

The agent goes... "Sean, I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".

Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don't even have a racket."

*****************************************

and bad joke of the day.....

The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery place and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.

They sent me Diana Ross.

ba-boom! :lol:

cheers

tom

[dankman]

After a night out, a man and his date were out driving along in his car. They were passed by a police car, which then slowed beside them, moved in behind them and pulled them over.

The policeman walked up to the car and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why, to be honest, yes. But I know that I was driving carefully. How did you know?"

"You're driving was fine," said the policeman. "It was the ugly chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

[Blown BA]

267 Pick-up lines....

1. That shirt looks very becoming on you....of course if I were on you I'd

be coming too.

2. If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me...Please??!!

3. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

4. Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day.

5. Is your father a thief? Because he stole the stars from the skies and put

them in your eyes!

6. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

7. That dress looks nice....Of course, it'd look even better crumpled up in

the corner of my room.

8. Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven's a long way from here.

9. Pardon me, is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I keep seeing myself

in your pants.

10. Hey baby, wanna sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that

pops up!?

11. Would you like to have breakfast tomorrow? Should I nudge you or call

you?

12. (Check female's shirt tag)....Just as I thought, made in heaven!

13. Were your parents Greek gods? Because it takes two gods to make a

goddess.

14. Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow

yours?

15. Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are...gorgeous!

16. Your name is Sandra, huh? Can I call you Sandy? Really, what time?

17. Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.

18. Have you seen (any movie)? Would you like to?

19. My face is leaving in 10 minutes... are you gonna be on it or not?

20. Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?

21. Do you have any Italian in you? Would you like some?

22. If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?

23. I'm new in town, could I get directions to your place?

24. Miss, if you've lost your virginity, could I have the box it came in?

25. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come talk to you!

26. Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do?

27. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

28. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? No,

huh...So you want to go somewhere and talk?

29. That's a nice shirt...could I talk you out of it?

30. (Female at the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Mind if I help?

31. That dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.

32. Hey baby, you want to see something swell?

33. Hi, I'm conducting a feel test to see how many women here have pierced

nipples....

34. Are you religious? Cause I'm the answer to all your prayers!

35. I love every bone in your body...especially mine.

36. (With hands on shoulders) Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they

were wings.

37. Pardon me, are you in heat?!

38. Are you O.K.? Because heaven's a long fall from here.

39. You know, I never was to good at math...like if I put you and I

together, I'd get 69.

40. You have pretty eyeballs. Of course they'd be better if they were eyeing

my pretty balls.

41. You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!

42. Can I borrow a quarter? Cause my mom told me to call home when I met the

girl of my dreams.

43. Was it love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

44. You're good at math right? Is 69 a perfect square?

45. Was your father a farmer? Because you sure have grown some nice melons!

46. Your face or mine?

47. Hey, here's the word for the day: legs. Whatdya say we go upstairs and

spread the word?!

48. Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

49. Hey Baby! I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a

feed bag!

50. Hey Baby! I'd like to use your thighs as earmuffs.

51. Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?

52. Make a calling card that says.....Smile if you want to sleep with me!

Then watch your victim try to hold back her smile.

53. Hi, my name's (_____), how do you like me so far?

54. Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between the

two of us.

55. Hey baby! Wanna go get some pizza and screw? What you don't like pizza?

56. She: (to passing man) Do you have the time? Him: Do you have the energy?

57. Bond. James Bond.

58. You know, I'd really love to screw your brains out, but it appears

someone has already beat me to it.

59. You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book. So,

what's one more?

60. Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, blouse, etc.) Him: I

like nothing better.

61. Walk up to a lady at a social gathering (party, club, etc.) and simply

ask, "are you ready to go home now?

62. You know, I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of

something else.

63. At the dinner table, if you eat together, pick up the bread and ask,

"Wanna roll?"

64. You know, you've got the prettiest teeth I've ever dreamed of coming

across.

65. That's a really nice smile you've got, shame that's not all you are

wearing.

66. Think you can dance in those shoes?

67. OK, you can stand next to me as long as you don't talk about the heat.

68. Ask girl if she likes jewellery. Then grab your nuts and say, "Then suck

this, it's a gem!"

69. You're 'No Parking' right? Just trying to guess your sign.

70. Why don't you surprise your room-mate/parents and not go home tonight?

71. Good looking waitress pouring a drink: Say when! Guy: As soon as I

finish this drink.

72. Lie down. I think I love you.

73. What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?

74. I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates me a

little.

75. If I weren't so romantic, I'd shoot you.

76. My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.

77. My friend and I have a bet that you won't take off you blouse in a

public place.

78. Can you believe that just a few hours ago we'd never even been to bed

together?

79. I know a great way to burn off the calories from that pastry you just

ate.

80. Was your father a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely tuned

body?

81. Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull your pockets

inside out....) Would you like to?

82. You know I really am James Bond's body double.

83. Stand back, I'm a doctor! You go get an ambulance and I'll loosen her

clothes.

84. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

85. I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

86. Hey baby, wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I

guess your age and weight.

87. You: Tickle your ass with a feather? Her: What?! You: I said 'Particular

nice weather?'!

88. Hey baby, wanna play train conductor? OK. You sit on my face and I'll

Chew, chew, chew! (choo!)

89. Hey baby, wanna play lion? OK. You go kneel right there and I'll throw

you my meat.

90. Do you know the difference between my pen*s and a chicken leg? No???

Well, let's go on a picnic and find out!

91. Oh, you're a bird watcher....(Whip out your unit and ask) Well, would

you take this for a swallow?

92. Stand back, I'm a police officer! You go call for backup and I'll frisk

her!

93. Do you have a library card? Good, cause I wanna check you out!

94. Your warm eyes melt the iciness of my heart.

95. (At church during a sermon) (Put your arm around your gal...) Honey, I

don't know where he is....(motioning to the preacher) but I do know I'm here

with you.

96. Baby, you look better and better each day...and tonight, you look like

tomorrow!

97. Here's a quarter....call your room-mate and tell her you won't be coming

home tonight!

98. Hey baby, you smell, let's take a shower together!

99. Baby, you with those curves and me with no brakes! Mmmmm!

100. Hey baby, whatdya say we go behind that rock and get a little

boulder?!?

101. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

102. Can I borrow a quarter? [why?] Cuz I wanna call your mom and thank her!

103. You're so hot, you melt the plastic in my underwear!

104. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and

take/eat what I want!

105. Let's go back to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did

anyway!

106. My name is ______. Just remember that, so you'll know what to scream

later.

107. Nice shoes. Wanna screw?

108. Can I flirt with you?

109. Your daddy must have been a baker, cuz you sure have a nice set of

buns!

110. [Checking her shirt tag] Just making sure you were the right size!

111. (Grab her ass...) Pardon me, is this seat taken?

112. Is it hot in here? Or is it just you?

113. Can I have directions? (to where?) To your heart!

114. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

115. So....how am I doin'?

116. How bout you and me go back to my place and get you out of those wet

clothes?

117. (Tapping your leg) You just think this is my leg.

118. You know what would look good on you? Me!

119. Excuse me, but I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared

a cab home together?

120. Go up to a girl in a bar, and slip your arm around her, and say, "Hi

Kate!" She says, "I'm not Kate!" And you say, as your hand slips a little

lower, "But you sure feel like her!"

121. She: Gee, I really enjoyed myself tonight!He: Me too. Maybe we could

let our bodies enjoy each other sometime!

122. Pardon me, I was just about to go home and masturbate, and I was

wondering if you would mind if I fantasised about you?

123. I've had a pretty bad day, and it usually makes me feel better to see a

pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

124. Overheard in a computer lab: Just because our computers are

incompatible doesn't mean we are!

125. Hey baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy?

126. Hey, didn't we go to different schools together?

127. You know, I would die happy if I saw you naked just once!

128. Would you like Gin and platonic, or would you prefer Scotch and sofa?

129. What's your favourite position on extramarital sex?

130. I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing

in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice backrub. Are the

straps too tight, darling? How tragic. How very, very tragic.

131. Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me to

pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.

132. Excuse me, do you live around here often?

133. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade!

134. I've got an itch honey. Lower. Lower. In. Out.

135. I'm on fire baby, can I run through your sprinkler?

136. Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?

137. I have only three months to live...

138. Hey baby, what's your sign? All you can eat?

139. Hi! I'm Big Brother, and I've been watching you!

140. Where have you been all my life?

141. In the produce department: "How can you tell if these things are ripe?"

142. Hey, weren't you Miss Virginia last year?

143. Don't worry about it. Nothing that you've ever done before counts. The

only thing that matters is that we're together.

144. I know milk does a body good, but baby, how much have you been

drinking?

145. Your daddy must be a drug dealer, cuz you're dope.

146. Hey baby, can I tickle your belly-button from the inside?

147. If I follow you home, will you keep me?

148. Hey, don't I know you? Yeah, you're the girl with the beautiful smile

149. Go up to a girl and tell her she has nice legs....then ask would she

mind if you named them. She says ok, and you say ok this one is Thanksgiving

and that one is Christmas.....would you mind if I visited between the

holidays?

150. Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?

151. Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

152. As she's leaving....Hey aren't you forgetting something? She: What?Me!

153. Have you run into any trees lately? Then how bout a root!

154. Hey baby, you wanna fu*k or should I apologise?

155. If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.

156. Want to see my stamp collection?

157. Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it

ain't floppy.

158. Hi, do you want to have my children? (assuming the answer is 'no'), OK

then, can we just practice?

159. Excuse me, you have some lipstick on your tooth, mind if I lick it off?

160. Do you know how to use a whip?

161. Do you wash your panties with Windex? Cuz I keep seeing myself in them.

162. Are those space pants? Cuz your ass is out of this world!

163. How do you like your eggs cooked? Why? Well I just wanted know what to

make for you in the morning!

164. Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!

165. You: Hi, wanna screw? Her: No! Me: Mind lying down while I have one?

166. Baby, I'm an American Express lover....you shouldn't go home without

me!

167. Hi, my name is "Milk." I'll do your body good.

168. Excuse me, maam, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?

169. You: I'm sorry, were you talking to me? Her: No. You: Well then, please

start.

170. I've got the ship, you've got the harbour...what say we tie up for the

night?

171. Would you like to come over to my place later? You can bring some

friends because my face seats five.

172. Wanna go halves in a baby?

173. You: I hear you like to sing. Her: Yeah... You: (Whip out your pud)

Well, then step up to the mike!

174. Pardon me, what pickup line works best with you?

175. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynaecologist.

176. Can I see your tan lines?

177. I'm not trying anything, I always put my hands there.

178. Beauty is only a light switch away...

179. If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.

180. Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes.

181. Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and talk

to me.

182. I'll bet you 10 bucks I could get all your clothes off in 30seconds...

183. I was sitting here holding this cigarette and I realised I'd rather be

holding you.

184. If your parents hadn't met I'd be very a very unhappy man right now!

185. Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No! D'ya

wanna do lunch?

186. Hey baby, sit on my face and let me get to 'nose' you better!

187. You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves

from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

189. Motion your finger for girl to come over to you, when she gets there

say, I just made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with TWO!

190. Hey baby, are you a glover? NO? Well, I am, wanna wear me?

191. I hope you know CPR, cuz you take my breath away!

192. Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

193. Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cuz every time I see you, you

turn me on!

194. Stand still so I can pick you up!

195. Hi, we're taking a survey and I need your phone number. If you give it

to me, I'll call you and tell you the results.

196. I didn't know that angels could fly so low!

197. Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!

198. Do you like music?(Yes) Good, I've got a great stereo in my car!

199. Are you looking for Mr. Right, or Mr. Right Now?

200. Man: (beckons woman with finger) Woman:(Approaches man) Man: Do you

always *beep* when someone fingers you?

201. Girl, you look so good, I could put you on a plate and sop you up with

a biscuit!

202. Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.

203. Excuse me, I am about to go masturbate and needed a name to go with the

face.

204. Pardon me, but are those stretch marks around your mouth?

205. Do you want to hear a joke that'll make you laugh your *beep* off?.. Oh,

you've already heard it..

206. I like your butt, can I wear it as a hat?

207. Pardon me, but are you a screamer or a moaner?

208. I think I can die happy now, cause I've just seen a piece of heaven.

209. Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

210. Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour co-ordinated.

211. Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.

212. Go up to a girl at a bar or a dance and ask her "do you want a screw

(wait for a second gauging her reaction) and then say ...ing drink.

213. Go up to a girl, ask her: "Do you know what winks and screws like a

tiger?" She says no. Then wink.

214.Wasn't I supposed to eat you somewhere?

215. Excuse me do fries come with that shake?

216. I'd spend money on you I haven't even made.

217. I would give you more money than a show dog could jump over.

218. Baby, you look good coming AND going!

219. I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.

220. I can't decide if you are a better person than you are a woman or you

are a better woman than you are a person.

221. So...Do you screw, or do I owe you an apology?

222. Well hello there! How you screwin; glad to eat ya!

223. I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.

224. Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow

me to introduce myself.

225. If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.

226. He: You look like my third wife. She: Oh, how many time have you been

married? He: Twice.

227. Take an ice cube to the bar, smash it, and say, "Now that I've broken

the ice, will you sleep with me?"

228. I play the field, and it looks like I just hit a home run with you.

229. I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.

230. You know what I like about you? My arms.

231. What did you say? Oh, I thought you were talking to me.

232. So, what are the chances that we can engage in anything more than just

conversation?

233. You make my software turn to hardware!

234. As long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit.

235. Was you father an alien? No, why? Because there's nothing else like you

on earth!

236. Hey baby, How would you like to join me in some math? We'll add you and

me, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply!

237. Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!

238. Hey baby, let's play house, you can be the door and I'll slam you!

239. Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an

angel?

240. Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.

241. You must be a hell of a thief 'cause you stole my heart from across the

room

242. There are 256 bones in the human body. How'd ya like one more?

243. As the sun illuminates the moon and the stars, so let us illuminate

each other.

244. Are you going places or just being taken?

245. If god made anything prettier, I hope he kept it for himself.

246. I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours?

247. Gee Girl, your eyes remind me of crescent wrenches, every time I look

into them my nuts tighten!

248. Hey baby I want to take you to Hawaii. To the island of "comona, wanna,

lay ya!

249. If you have a fake leg (or if you don't), rub hers and if she says

anything say "I'm sorry, I thought that was my leg.

250. Baby, if you were a flower, I would pick you!

251. Baby, you're so fine, you're my 9.9...

252. Hey, I just noticed you looking at me across the room. I'll give a

minute to catch your breath!

253. What's the best thing to come out of a pen*s? the wrinkles!

254. Hey baby, is your name Gillette? Cuz you're the best a man can get!

255. You know, I have a romantic side....let's go back to my room and see

how long it takes you to find out!

256. Girl, you must be a tater tot, cuz you're Orida!

257. (As they walk past) Why don't you come back here and fall in love with

me!

258. Girl, you've got more curves than a back-country road!

259. Baby, you're hotter than Georgia asphalt on a summer day!

260. Hey baby, will it bother you if I sleep in the nude?

261. Girl, you got more legs than a bucket of chicken!

262. She: You're so sweet... He: Well, it's easy to be sweet when you're

talking to sugar!

263. Hi, my name's coffee, cuz I'll keep you up all night!

264. Hey baby, you look like you need a one-way ticket on the roly-poly

express ride of love!

265. I say your picture in the dictionary today, it was under KABAAM!

266. I hope you don't mind me giving you this rose, but, I just had to show

it how you beautiful you are...

267. Write a small note, at the end write: "Believe me when I say that my

heart cries out to you and if kisses could be sent in writing you would be

reading this letter with your lips.

[Blown BA]

How to start your day with a positive attitude.

1. Create a "new folder" on your computer.

2. Name it "George W. Bush".

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your computer will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of

"George W. Bush"?

6. Answer calmly, "Yes", and press the mouse button firmly

[Blown BA]

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Massachusetts

business Tycoon (whose hand had been caught in a fence while working at

his country home), a doctor and the old man were talking about Senator

John

Kerry possibly being in the White House one day.

The old Tycoon said, "Well, ya know, Kerry is a 'post turtle'." Not

knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post

turtle was. The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road

and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's

a post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued

to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong

there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just

want to help the poor stupid bas*ard get down".

[Blown BA]

Can you figure this out??

3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30, SO EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM. A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25, SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5. ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR HIMSELF. THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF $27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29. WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?

[Blown BA]

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"

Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

[Blown BA]

A man is out driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, “Have you been drinking, sir?”

“Why? Was I weaving all over the road?” the man answered.

“No,” replied the policeman, “you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away.”