Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

A priest and a nun are returning from a conference when their van breaks down. They can't get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: "Sister, I don't think God would have a problem, under these circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you have the bed."

Nun: "I think that would be fine."

They get ready for bed. The priest goes to the couch and the nun goes to the bed. Five minutes later...

Nun: "Father, I'm a little cold."

Priest: "OK, I'll get you a blanket." (He does)

Five minutes later...

Nun: "Father, I'm still a bit cold."

Priest: "OK Sister, I'll get you another blanket." (He does)

Five minutes later...

Nun: "Father, I'm terribly cold. I don't think God would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night."

Priest: "You're probably right...get up and get your own darn blanket."

[Blown BA]

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.

While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten!

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."

"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."

With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."

"No, I'm sorry", he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

[Blown BA]

A plumber, an electrician, and an accountant walk into a strip club.

The electrician calls over a blond, licks a ten-dollar bill and slaps it on her left ass cheek. The plumber licks a 20 and slaps it on her right ass cheek. The accountant takes out his ATM card, swipes it down the crack of her ass, and grabs the 30 bucks.

[BA_Turbs]

Top 15 Pick-up lines used by pirates:

15. "I must be huntin' treasure, 'cause I'm diggin' yer chest."

14. "You're just the tasty wench I've been keeping me eye out for!"

13. "Hey, sexy -- how about a Jolly Rogering?"

12. "Ya certainly put the shiver in me timber."

11. "See this hook? Variable speed with five alternate attachments, Baby."

10. "WOW! I bet we could fit SIXteen men on that chest!"

9. "Me skull and crossbones arn't the only thing I plan on raisin' tonight."

8. "Do ya mind if the parrot watches?"

7. "Nice poop deck on ya, lassie. Care fer a swabbin'?"

6. "Avast, me pretty! Strike your panties and prepare to be boarded."

5. "So you're the new cabin boy, eh?"

4. "Do you have the latest copy of Windows XP with cracked product activation?" (software pirates only)

3. "Yo, ho! Bottle of rum?"

2. "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre you free on Saturday?"

and the Number 1 Pirate Pick-Up Line...

1. "Is there an 'X' on the seat of your pants? Because it appears that there's wond'rous booty buried underneath!"

[Dagabond]

World's Shortest Books

25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson

24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres

23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton

22. "The Difference between Reality and Dilbert"

21. "Human Rights Advances in China"

20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman

19. "Al Gore: The Wild Years"

18. "Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean"

17. "America's Most Popular Lawyers"

16. "Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors"

15. "Detroit - A Travel Guide"

14. "Different Ways to Spell 'Bob'"

13. "Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches"

12. "Easy UNIX"

11. "Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance"

10. "Everything Men Know About Women"

9. "Everything Women Know About Men"

8. "French Hospitality"

7. "George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names"

6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel

5. "Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette"

4. "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes" by the EPA

3. "Staple Your Way to Success"

2. "The Amish Phone Directory"

1. "The Engineer's Guide to Fashion"

[-carty]

A plumber, an electrician, and an accountant walk into a strip club.

The electrician calls over a blond, licks a ten-dollar bill and slaps it on her left ass cheek. The plumber licks a 20 and slaps it on her right ass cheek. The accountant takes out his ATM card, swipes it down the crack of her ass, and grabs the 30 bucks.

[Dagabond]

Top Ten Reasons beer is better then women

10...You can have a beer in public.

9...When you go to a bar you can always pick up a beer

8...A beer won't get upset when you come home with beer on your breath.

7...You can enjoy a beer all month long.

6...A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

5...You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.

4...You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

3...A beer is always wet.

2...A beer always goes down easy.

1...You can share a beer with your friends.

[Blown BA]

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf

course, lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee the husband said "Honey, be careful when you drive the ball; don't knock out any windows. It'll cost a fortune to get them fixed."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses.

OK, lets go up and apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come in."

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the ones that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie and have

been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes---I'll give you each one, and keep the last one for myself."

"Oh, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem, it's the least I could do. And you, what is your wish?" the genie asked the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world." she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish?" the husband asked.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those homes, honey; I guess it's o.k."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After he'd finished he rolled over and asked, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35", she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing."

[Blown BA]

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde braincells die ?

A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?

A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?

A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: How does a blonde part their hair?

A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)

[Blown BA]

There was a cargo shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa.

It suddenly had a malfunction, and crashed in the jungle.

A few days later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane to search for the plane and crew.

They found the wreckage, but were not able to locate the crew.

They searched the area and met with a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief nods and simply says, "Yes...seen plane crash".

When asked where the crew was, the Cheif replyed, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi!"

The Rescue crew was shocked. Another man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi!"

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"

The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Peps!"

Finally, another rescuer had to ask, "Did you..you know...eat their...things?"

The cheif says, "NO, you idoit!"... even cannibals know that...

"THINGS go better with Coke!"