Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

A man joins the navy.
On his first day of training the instructor shows him around the base.
"This is the gym, this is the mess hall, those are the showers & this is the sleeping quarters" he said.

He went on, "Now over there behind the mess hall there's a barrel". "If you get lonely & a bit frisky you can go there & poke your thingy through the hole, it's most pleasurable".
Then he added that that as a new recruit, he could go there on monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday & saturday. He then asked the recruit "so are you gay?"

The recruit replied "no I am certainly not!"

The instructor replies "well, your not going to like sunday's then,
that's your day in the barrel!"

[Corzza]

The Kiwi slips three biscuits into his pocket with lightning speed. The
baker doesn't notice.

The Kiwi says to the Australian: "You see how clever we Kiwis are? Try
and beat that!"

So the Australian says to the baker "Give me a biscuit and I'll show you a
magic trick!"

The baker gives him the biscuit which the Australian promptly eats before
asking for another biscuit.

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one
too.

Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuit to complete the trick". The
baker is getting angry now but gives him the last one.

The Australian eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and yells: "So where's this trick?"

The Australian says: "Look in the Kiwi's pocket"

[Corzza]

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance." "They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last hint: "No Jews please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers."

"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design."

"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate."

"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."

"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda."

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

[Corzza]

Australian Bus and Coach Drivers


Dear John,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker....

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, before doing my afternoon school run.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my school bus bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Noosa back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage passenger in my bus what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaii good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

The school kids burst out laughing.. Why, even they were enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only vehicle that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the bus down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[Corzza]

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Detroit, when a guy took the
seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking,
moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Bob asked.
"I've been transferred to Detroit - I've heard the people are crazy there.
They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools,
abandoned neighborhoods, filth, no fire or police protection, no dependable
garbage pickup or sanitation system, and the highest crime rate in the
nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the
media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and
enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere
in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been
worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your
word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[Corzza]

New Arrivals
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to
determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who
inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last
day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good
one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed
she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked
the shower and it was completely dry, too.

I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I
went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found him clinging
to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his
fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by
some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our
antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and
killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive
heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the
roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over
my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony
rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the
balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.

I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I
saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but
failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the
fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in
this cedar chest ....."

[Corzza]

Matt decided to go skiing with his buddy, Dave. So they loaded up Matt's
minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So
they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered
the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Matt said... 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the
two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Matt got an unexpected letter from an
attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that
it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend...

He dropped in on his friend Dave and asked, "Dave, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." Said Dave.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Dave said, a little embarrassed about being found out, I
have to admit that I did.."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Dave's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy..
I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

[Corzza]

What A Coincidence!

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different ****,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[Corzza]

A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The man thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after a Labor government balances the budget and eliminates the debt.

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.

[Corzza]

A young Ontario woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain, "this is the Toronto Island Ferry."