Joke Of The Day

[nick d]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,

I

know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your

pen*s

is as hard as your elbow,

I

'm in room 221.'

[UBA]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped c...onvict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Corzza]

Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Jimmy said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”

“What's dat den?” asks Mikey.

“Send me lawn away to be mowed."

[Corzza]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a
sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out
every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

[RegSpec]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
> Christmas gift...
> >
> The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
> >
> When she asked me why, I replied,
> >
> "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
> >
> And that's how the fight started....
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
> >
> I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
> >
> 'No,' she answered. I then said,
> >
> 'Is that your final answer?'
> >
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
> >
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
> >
> And that's when the fight started...
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> I took my wife to a restaurant.
> >
> The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
> >
> "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
> >
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
> >
> "Nah, she can order for herself."
> >
> And that's when the fight started.....
> >
> > _______________________________
> >
> >
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
> >reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
> >drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
> >
> I asked her, "Do you know him?"
> >
> "Yes", she sighed,
> >
> "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
> >right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
> >hasn't been sober since."
> >
> "My Goodness!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
> >celebrating that long?"
> >
> And then the fight started...
> >
> > ______________________________
> >
> >
> My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
> >
> She asked, "What's on TV?"
> >
> I said, "Dust."
> >
> And then the fight started..
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
> >lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
> >boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
> >downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
> >garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
> >would be bad all day.
> >
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
> >into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
> >anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
> >terrible."
> >
> My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
> >stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
> >
> > And that's how the fight started...
> >
> > _______________________________
> >
> >
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
> >anniversary.
> >
> She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
> >about 3 seconds."
> >
> I bought her a bathroom scale.
> >
> And then the fight started......
> >
> > ______________________________
> >
> >
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
> >for Social Security.
> >
> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
> >verify my age.
> >
> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
> >home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
> >to go home and come back later.
> >
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
> >
> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
> >
> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
> >me' and she processed my Social Security application.
> >
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
> >the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
> >your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
> >
> And then the fight started...
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> >
> She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
> >
> "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
> >to pay me a compliment.'
> >
> I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
> >
> And then the fight started........
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> >I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
> >
> >The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
> >
> >He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
> >
> >So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
> >
> >That's how the fight started.
> >

[Pixy Angel]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

[BigAl's04]

^Did you read the post above yours?

[EvilDaifu]

Happy Easter fellas

Something to cheer you up on this cocoa stuffed day (oldie but it still had me laffin)

http://www.lostateminor.com/2013/01/10/this-is-precisely-why-camera-angles-are-so-crucial/

[Pixy Angel]

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?"

"I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."

"That's not going to work."

"Why not?"

"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

[Ryan01]

Lolxx very funny jokes... I like the thread.. I also have something to share with you, I hope you like this because Its the funniest joke for me...

Teacher : If you have 10 chocolate cakes
and
someone asks for 2,
How many do u have left?

Little Johnny: 10

Teacher: Ok, Well what if somebody forcibly takes 2 of the cakes,
how many would u have left then ?

Little Johnny : 10 and a dead body.

Edited 12/04/13 06:43 PM by Ryan01