Joke Of The Day

[Guest clevofan]

A couple on their honeymoon arrive to check in at the hotel.

"Do you have a reservation?" the man behind the counter asks.

"Yes," replies the bride "I won`t take it up the a@#e!"

[Dagabond]

Who Is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt, " you can correct them.

Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

[Falchoon]

Jeez Daz, you're slipping, that's older than Kenny! :lol:

[Guest]

Jeez Daz, you're slipping, that's older than Kenny! :lol:

No sh!te

vik

[JB]

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

A. Marry her.

Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?

A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?

A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new T.

That's probably enough for today me thinks!

[Falchoon]

A fellow had just finished having relations??? with a sheep.

He then asked said to the sheep: "how was it?"

She replied: "not baaaaad."

[Blown BA]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

[Blown BA]

This one is for all of you who either:

a) have kids,

b) have kids who have now grown,

c) was a kid,

d) know a kid!

Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Dad, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

[Blown BA]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick up the kids from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."

"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.

The stranger calls back, I'm over here, on your swing."

[JB]

Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?

A: They don't f*#king listen.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?

A. You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Why do Gays like ribbed condoms?

A. Better traction in the mud.

Um I better go now!