Joke Of The Day

[Guest clevofan]

Three strings walk into a bar.

The 1st string says to the bartender "3 beers thanks."

Bartender replies "sorry, we don`t serve string in this bar."

The 2nd string gets the same response in the next bar.

Dejected, they walk outside.

The third string has an idea and ties himself up at the waist and ruffles up his head.

"Wait here" he says to the others and walks inside the next bar. He says to the bartender "3 beers thanks."

The bartender eyes him off before asking "are you a piece of string?"

He replies "no, I`m afraid not!"

[Blown BA]

Daddy longlegs

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

Girl: "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

Daddy: "They're mating."

Girl: "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?"

Daddy: "That's a daddy longlegs."

Girl: "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?"

Daddy: "No, Both of them are daddy longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

"Well, we're not having THAT stuff happening in our garden."

[Blown BA]

Four chinese men

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance. The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men.

[Guest]

Four chinese men

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance. The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men.

Hey, that would work cause they all look the same!

vik

[Blown BA]

Or maybe this one Vik

Man marries a deaf girl.

He signs to her,

"Lets make a code. If l want sex, l will squeeze your breast. In response, u can pull my cock Once for YES, & and 50 times for NO"

[Guest]

Did you read about the mars explorer how it observed the martians there ,it found that the female of the species had thier vagina on the right shoulder.

It also found that the males pneis wes located where normally would be the index finger.

Nassa scients still cannot explain why the male spicies of the race are so inquisitive,

They seem to forever be asking the females questions,by tapping them on the right shoulder with the would be index finger.

vik

[Blown BA]

The back end of a horse

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[Blown BA]

Bake a Cake

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts.

Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily: Fix the light, now? Does it look like I have a GE logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!

The wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.

To which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.

Fine, she says thrn could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.

I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps, he says. Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so.

I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, How'd all this get fixed?

She said, Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He said, so what kind of cake did you bake him?

She replied, HELLOOOOO......Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!

[Blown BA]

A man went into a bar and he noticed a beautiful woman other

end of the bar. He waved to her, and she winked back at him.

It didn't take long before he was on the stool next to her. They

talked for awhile, and then the man said, "You're really hot!"

"You're pretty cute, too," she said. "I live just around the corner.

Do you want to come up to my place?"

"That sounds great!" the man eagerly replied.

"Before we go up there," the woman said, "I have to ask you one

question. Do you like doing it Greek style?"

"Well, uh, I'm not exactly sure what that is," the man answered

"But it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"

So they went to her apartment. As soon as they got inside the

woman stripped. The man couldn't believe his eyes. She had an

incredibly beautiful body.

"Now, you're sure," the woman asked, "That you want to do it

Greek style?"

"Definitely!" the man replied.

"All right, then," said the woman. "Take off your clothes, and get

up on the bed on yours hands and knees."

"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaimed. He hurried out of his clothes

and climbed onto the bed and got on his hands and knees. The

woman got onto the bed right in front of him.

She knelt down in front of his head and asked him again, "Are you

sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Yeah! Yeah!" said the man.

She grabbed the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting

him in a lock hold. He was amazed at her strength. He couldn't move

at all, and his head was pressing right into her chest. One more time

she said, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

The man's muffled voice could barely be heard from between her

breas*s. "Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"

The woman's grip on him tightened like a vice, and she yelled out,

"OK GUS -- HE'S READY!"

[Dagabond]

Thoughts for the day

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is!

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They all know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh#+head's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss Australia?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been".