Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

So this guy is sitting at the bar, minding his own business and just having a drink. Suddenly, this guy comes and sits down next to him and pulls out this mini piano with a piano stool and sets them both on top of the bar. He then pulls out a little man about 12 inches tall and sets him down next to the piano. The little man then sits at the stool and begins to play, the most amazing stuff ever. Effing Chopin, Beethoven, Rachmaninov, you name it.

So the first guy turns to the other guy and says to him, "where on earth did you find this lot?"

So the second guy turns to him and says, "Well I was walking around the Sahara desert the other day, and I came across a lamp! I thought I'd rub it and lo and behold a Genie appeared! He said to me he'd give me one wish and, well, there it is (pointing at the little man)".

The first guy said, "That's incredible! Do you still have the lamp!?"

"Yes, here we go, try it yourself!"

So the first guy takes the lamp and rubs it. And, out pops the genie again! He offers the man one wish and the man said, "I want a million bucks!". The genie said, "It's DONE!"

After a short while, the two men were still sitting at the bar. Suddenly a duck walks into the bar. The 2 men look pretty confused but think to themselves, well, stranger things have happened... Then after another short while, 10 more ducks walk into the bar. And then 10,000 ducks. The 2 men were so confused and couldn't quite work out what was going on. Then, after another short while, there were a million ducks in the bar!

So the first guy turns to the second guy and says, "Dude, do you think maybe this genie has a hearing problem! I didn't ask for a million ducks, I asked for a million bucks!"

So the second guy looks at the first guy and says, "Well, do you REALLY think I asked for a 12 inch pianist!?"

[Panda Eyes]

there should be a 'I dont like' button....

[Corzza]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a HUGE wang.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

[nick d]

This is an awesome one!!!

Some years ago in a small rural town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town.

When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Italian said " you see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a 2 lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, this house could be built".

The following year the Italian visited the Greek town. He was amazed by the Greek mayors house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvelous.

When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said. " you see that bridge over there?"

The Italian replied "no"

:bravo:

[Corzza]

good one!

Edited 18/10/12 06:59 AM by Corzza

[Corzza]

Claude the Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the local Senior Citizens Centre, and Claude the hypnotist explained:

"I'm here to put you all into a trance.I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his waistcoat pocket.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of ancient eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into myriad pieces.

"(I tried to swear because I'm unintelligent) !" said Claude the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre – and Claude was never invited back.

[Kroozin]

Hopefully not a repost

Having kids??

Dressing small child: Buy a live octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out. Picture: Thinkstock

THIS hilarious 'test' designed to find out if you're ready to have kids has gone viral.

Originally posted on UK parenting website Mamami, the 14-part test will have you holding your sides with laughter.

Test 1: Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.

2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself

2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.

Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3: Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

4. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4: Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5: Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.

2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6: Going for a walk

a. Wait.

b. Go out the front door.

c. Come back in again.

d. Go out.

e. Come back in again.

f. Go out again.

g. Walk down the front path.

h. Walk back up it.

I. Walk down it again.

j. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

k. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.

l. Retrace your steps.

m. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.

n. Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7: Conversations with children

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8: Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.

3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9: Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10:TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.

2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11: Mess

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?

4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.

5. Drag randomly items from one room to another room and leave them there.

Test 12: Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.

2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13: Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.

2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14: Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.

2. Put on your finest work attire.

3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it

4. Stir

5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt

6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

8. Do not change (you have no time).

9. Go directly to work

[Ciaran]

tl;dr

not a fuking chance at reading that.... -.-

[nick d]

There was a Aussie Galah sitting on a gumtree

Greek Galah flew on to the same gumtree

Aussie Galah says to the Greek Galah "G'day mate"

Greek Galah yells out " Galah mate" Meaning Good in Greek!

[Ciaran]

Love the length nick, but have nfi what the joke means