Joke Of The Day

[Lumpen]

Whats the difference between a sumo and a femminist?

At least the sumo has the decency to shave himself.

[Lumpen]

and the all time greatest joke known to mankind.

What is the fastest thing in a Bowl of Custard?

A Prune with an outboard motor.

<Boom Tish> Thank you, thank you very much...and now I will pass the mike to my illustrious comical partner, Mack the Knife <Claps and applause all round>

[-carty]

how do ya stop a cat from drowning?

take your foot off its head

---------------------------------------------

what do ya do when ya see a fox hopping with 3 legs across a paddock?

stop laughing and reload

[KEN 24T]

See what you've done now Mack ... Seeee :o

[Macktheknife]

See what you've done now Mack ... Seeee :holiday:

My work here is done.

[Falchoon]

I think I'd rather read Mack's jokes than Lumpy's though...

[Antisocial]

What’s Black and White and Read all over....?

A newspaper.

What’s Black and White and Red all over but can't turn around in a hallway....?

A nun with a javelin through her head.

[Falchoon]

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through

the woods when she bumps into the wolf.

"Open your blouse and show me your t*ts,"

says the wolf.

Little Red Riding Hood lifts up her skirt,

pulls down her knickers and says, "No, why

don't you eat me, like it says in the book."

[KEN 24T]

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through

the woods when she bumps into the wolf.

"Open your blouse and show me your t*ts,"

says the wolf.

Little Red Riding Hood lifts up her skirt,

pulls down her knickers and says, "No, why

don't you eat me, like it says in the book."

:roll:

[Falchoon]

Real Men - RetroSexuals (Plonky will like this one! :lol: )

Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I

can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is

effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign

concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual,

transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual - bogus

definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell

"ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture

Wars, the "Retrosexual Movement".

The Code:

A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that

term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS WITH IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or

a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you

live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and

drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women

have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap

(possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be.

This falls under the "Dealing WITH IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women.

Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you

becoming a froo-froo little so and so, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress

such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak

treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city,

favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because

Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When

you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to

conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie --and ONLY

a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a

nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be

rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled

with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's

just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things

that just need a little "wakin' up".

Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of

them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams

are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is

swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry

include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish

do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of

major body part on your Ford truck.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a

pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and

offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men

still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not

understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the

acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious

healthy relationship - I.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting,

cigars, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.

Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land. Except on his

truck--that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the

retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL WITH IT, or do both.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any

elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's) NOTE: The

person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man

will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He

will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other

person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does

something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the

process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!