Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a

sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over

his papers and says,

"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your

recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is

unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.

However, a sales representative has a highly visible position,

and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off

potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop

winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins

pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms,

ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he

finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills,

and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this

is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees

womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy,

winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[Corzza]

The Irish wrestler

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.

[Corzza]

"MATES"

THE PROFOUND THINGS MEN THINK ABOUT WHEN LEFT ALONE

Two men are out fishing at their favorite fishing spot

No one else around, just them quietly fishing and drinking beer.

Almost silently, as not to scare the fish away, Wayne whispers ....

I think I’m going to divorce my wife, she hasn’t spoken to me for almost two weeks !

Mark hears Wayne but quietly continues fishing & sipping his beer

Just as Wayne turns quietly toward Mark expecting a response,

Mark thoughtfully replies .....

You better think it over Wayne !

Women like that are almost impossible to find ....

[Corzza]

A woman from New York was

driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car

broke down.

An American Indian on

horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby

town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they

rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every

few minutes the Indian would

let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the

surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he

let her off at the local service station, yelled one final

'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you

do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station

attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I

merely sat behind him on the horse, put my

arms

around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't

fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't

use saddles."

[Impellor]

The Western Plains Elephant Zookeeper was rushed to Dubbo hospital today.

When asked by the the Doctor what had happened he replied that he was raped by the Zoo's bull elephant.

After examination, the Doctor asked the Zookeeper why he had a 10 inch opening in his anus, when the pen*s of an elephant only has a 4 inch circumference.

The Zookeeper bust into tears and said "the dirty bastard fingered me first"

Cheers

[Corzza]

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a F”” kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.

[Corzza]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law

last night when I asked if I could borrow

a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century,' he said.

'We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew

what hit it...........

[Corzza]

The Nagger

HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.

The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'

The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces'.

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres.'

The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?'

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'

The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'

The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a garudge, that's where I parks the John Deere.'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'

The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'

The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce'

[Corzza]

The wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

[Corzza]

A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central

London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to

Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The manager tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the

loan, so Hamish hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on

the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything

checks out. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the

loan.

The bank's General Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the

rough looking Scotsman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against

a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's

underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, Hamish returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

The manager says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this

transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While

you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi

millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?”

Hamish replies: "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for

only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return:"

Ah, the mind of the Scotsman....