Joke Of The Day

[Falchoon]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

[Antisocial]

I'M BLONDE, NOT STUPID!!

-----------------------------------

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive

double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the

contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago

and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go around and around!

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So,

I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales man had told

me......

.....,. that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I

haven't heard back since.

[Macktheknife]

They charged one and let the other one off...............

:banghead: Please make it stop .... puleasssse ....

Dear old Mack.......always happy to help.

I had been feeling a bit insecure the last couple of months so I finally got up enough nerve to go and see my Psychiatrist.

So in I go wearing my GladWrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.

[KEN 24T]

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.

:banghead:

[Blown BA]

2 old maid sisters

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"

Edited 24/05/04 06:47 AM by Blown BA

[Blown BA]

Duct Tape

Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!!!

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, When are you going out?"

"I met her the other evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my pen*s to my leg, so if I did it, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible," says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest, dress you ever saw."

"And then what happened?" asked Jeff.

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."

[DallasQLD]

Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner.

The bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay $1.

The sixth would pay $3.

The seventh $7.

The eighth $12.

The ninth $18.

The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20."

So, now dinner for the ten only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So, the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six, the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share'?

The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being 'PAID' to eat their meal.

So, the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to eat for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man "but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than me!"

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him.

But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table anymore. There are lots of good restaurants in Europe and the Caribbean.

[Macktheknife]

Just as I promised.

A cheese sandwich walks in to a bar.

The barman says. "Sorry, we don't serve food here"

[Falchoon]

Just when you think things can't get any worse...Mack comes back!

[tab]

At an international women's conference the topic for discussion was

how to empower women in the home.The first speaker was the British

representative. She stood up and said;"I decided to make a stand

against my husband's oppression and so I told him that I would no

longer be doing the washing, After the first day I saw no result;

after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day he did his

own washing." The delegates applauded this brave stand for women's

rights.

The second speaker was from America. She stood up and said; " I told

my husband that I was no longer prepared to cook for him as it was a

form of enslavement. After the first day I saw no result, after the

second day I saw no result; but after the third day he cooked a meal

for the both of us."Again the conference applauded.

Next came the Australian delegate. She said; "I told my husband that I

would no longer be doing the shopping. After the first day I saw

nothing,after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day I

could see a little bit out of my left eye."